As Barack Obama’s second presidential term winds to a close, Black Americans are contemplating the sad prospect of holding their noses when they cast their votes for the next Commander-in-Chief. Instead of choosing the lesser of the remaining evils, here are five choices you should consider for the next Black President of the United States:
1. Cardi B
If we are seriously considering the prospect that a reality star could be our next Head of State, then why not the bootylicious Bronx beauty from Love and Hip Hop: New York? Cardi B’s sneaky genius has manifested itself in countless quotes that reveal an unexpected intellect wrapped inside the body of an African goddess from Mars. When a Presidential debate moderator implores her to treat her Republican opponent nicely, voters would love to hear Cardi’s infamous retort, “I am being nice to you. Have I stabbed you? No. Then I’m being nice.”
As tired as we are of half-truth, humdrum talking points, President B would reinvigorate the political process by addressing global warming with her platform of “A Ho never gets cold,” or confronting systematic inequality with “Bitch, I’m a human just like you. I like chicken with barbecue sauce just like you.”
I’m sure conservatives would be up in arms about a former exotic dancer as President, but many people aren’t aware that before he ascended to the Presidency, Rutherford B. Hayes was a male stripper named Senator Harry Weiner the Dick Slinger.
Campaign Slogan - The “B” Stands For “But Dat Ass, Tho”
2. Ta-Nehisi Coates
He’s smart and well-versed in political dialogue. T-Neezy has become the de-facto leader of the Black intelligencia, so he might as well be out choice for President. We love Ta-Nehisi because he is unafraid to tell White people the unbuffed facts to their faces without sugar-coating the unpleasant truth. He is just like Donald Trump, except the exact opposite. Black America would rush to line up behind candidate Coates without hesitation for one reason: The debates. You know he is going to frustrate his White conservative opponent cry real tears when Coates throws undisputed facts in his face.
If you thought White America hated Obamacare, just wait until the Coates Reparations Act of 2017. We have been waiting for a candidate who wears a Kangol, but we don’t want Samuel L. Jackson to ever have a reason to stop making those commercials with Sir Charles and Spike Lee.
Campaign Slogan: Run TNC
3. Morgan Freeman
Morgan Freeman has played the Commander-in-Chief so many times, I’m willing to bet that if we conducted a Gallup Poll, 18% of Americans believe Morgan Freeman has already served a term as President. Another 11% Believe he is God. The electorate doesn’t even have to imagine him in the Oval Office because we already have ample footage. White America is uneasy with Black leadership, but they might trust the guy who stopped a meteor from hitting the earth.
With his voice alone, Freeman would bring a gravitas to the office that no other politician could. In the age of weather disasters, ISIS and other existential threats, whose voice would you rather hear during a crisis, Ted Cruz’s reptilian squawking, or the soothing baritone of America’s favorite magical negro?
Campaign Slogan: Vote For Morgan Freeman. I’m God and I approve this message.
4. Michelle Obama
You know Michelle Obama is going to be President one day, right? We might as well get on with it. She has a degree from Princeton and Harvard Law School. She spent her entire career in public service and education. She was a record-setting fundraiser in the private sector. Michelle Obama’s resume makes Hillary Clinton’s look like a high school junior’s Wal Mart application.
Aside from her obvious credentials, she is the only person equipped to solve the problems in the Middle East. She might not have very much foreign policy experience, but she has dealt with more unreasonable hate than almost anyone in the history of mankind. The vitriol white people have thrown at the first lady makes the Sunni vs. Shiite conflict look like a Sasha vs Malia pillowfight. A Black mother is the greatest problem solver in the world and the First Lady has raised two-well adjusted Black children in front of America. If you lock the Israelis, the Palestinians and Michelle Obama in a room, I give them 30 minutes before they emerge shaking hands, whimpering “yes ma’am” in Arabic and Hebrew. 45, tops.
Campaign Slogan: Vote Michelle: Don’t make me come over there!
5. Omar from The Wire
Not the actor Michael K. Williamson, I’m talking about the character Omar Little from HBO’s hit television series. I’m sure some people will say “but he’s a fictional character”—but so is Donald Trump. I’m convinced I’m going to wake up one day and all White America will be laughing at how they convinced us that the orange-haired Hitler could actually become head of State. I’m holding out hope that his candidacy is all an elaborate prank from the producers of Punk’d.
Omar, however, would make a great President, especially if he selected Brother Mouzone as VP. America needs a chief executive who garners global respect. Omar is that man. You think Putin would act like an asshole if O was sitting in the United Nations General Assembly in his trench coat with a do-rag tied tightly over his cornrows? You think Kim Jong Un would continue testing nuclear missiles off the coast of North Korea after President Little called him up on the red phone and whispered “You come at the king, you best not miss”?
Campaign Slogan: Omar Coming!