Editor’s note: This is satire. What is satire, you ask? According to Dictionary.com, satire is the use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Keep that in mind. Thanks.
Recently, Aaron Schlossberg went full racist tirade on workers for speaking Spanish in a Fresh Kitchen restaurant in New York City. Apparently, we do not habla espanol in America. This is America, after all!
You know how stupid he is and how bad he looks. You’ve seent the video of him going HAM. Racists gon’ racist. Well, recently he dropped an apology that read as follows:
To the people I insulted, I apologize. Seeing myself online opened my eyes—the manner in which I expressed myself is unacceptable and is not the person I am. I see my words and actions hurt people, and for that I am deeply sorry. While people should be able to express themselves freely, they should do so calmly and respectfully. What the video did not convey is the real me. I am not racist. One of the reasons I moved to New York is precisely because of the remarkable diversity offered in this wonderful city. I love this country and this city, in part because of immigrants and the diversity of cultures immigrants bring to this country. Again, my sincerest apologies to anyone and everyone I hurt. Thank you.
While I think this apology is horseshit, Very Smart Brothas managed to get ahold of the emails that led to this apology, and your boy Aaron was, how do you say, with the shits. Below, check the emails that led to the apology.
FROM: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
TO: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
Date: May 19, 2018, 6:30 p.m.
Yo. Thanks for taking me on as a client. You speak english right? I’m tired of this spanish shit.
FROM: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
TO: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
Date: May 19, 2018, 6:32 p.m.
Mr. Schlossberg, we’re going to have to ask you to refrain from continuing to make comments as such. But yes, to answer your question, we do speak English and our transactions will all occur in English. First thing we need to do, though, is craft a statement—an apology—that you can release explaining who you are, and that who everybody saw on that video is not who you are. Before we move forward, are we on the same page with this being the necessary course of action?
FROM: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
TO: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
Date: May 19, 2018, 7:15 p.m.
Um, no we are not. Why do I have to apologize? This here is america. so people can just come over here, take over land and bring their language and i just have to accept that shit? fuck that. they SHOULD speak english because thats what us real americans speak. also, they’re just some employees. im a lawyer, a contributor to society. why do i have to kiss the ring? no. i do not want to apologize. i want to release a statement that says, “others fought hard to come to America and bring peace and tranquility here...in English. we should respect the native tongue of the land we all love, that i live in and that they can come and work in while that wall gets built.” What do you think about that as a start?
FROM: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
TO: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
Date: May 20, 2018, 8:02 a.m.
Mr. Schlossberg, I’m not sure that’s really the direction you want to go. In situations like this, it makes much more sense to show contrition as opposed to, and I’m not sure how else to word this, ignorantly attacking groups of people with inaccurate historical narratives and revisionist history. I really think it would make much more sense to say something like:
“To the people I insulted, I apologize. Seeing myself online opened my eyes—the manner in which I expressed myself is unacceptable and is not the person I am. I see my words and actions hurt people, and for that I am deeply sorry. While people should be able to express themselves freely, they should do so calmly and respectfully. What the video did not convey is the real me. I am not racist. One of the reasons I moved to New York is precisely because of the remarkable diversity offered in this wonderful city. I love this country and this city, in part because of immigrants and the diversity of cultures immigrants bring to this country. Again, my sincerest apologies to anyone and everyone I hurt. Thank you.”
What do you think? I think this really gets to the heart of what you did and who you really are as a person, or at the very least how you’d like to come off as a person.
FROM: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
TO: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
Date: May 20, 2018, 9 a.m.
What in THE fuck is that shit? What am I paying you for? That makes it seem like I’m wrong. And what the fuck is revisionist history here? Are you the feds? You sound like the feds. I like the “I’m not racist” language because i’m fucking not. it’s not racist to want people who ARENT FROM HERE TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THOSE WHO ARE. They’re basically long-term tourists. They need to come around to our way of thinking. Also, I moved to New York for a job, not for diversity. Diversity is one of those terms democrats came up with to ensure that black folks get my job. I mean, i dont look good on that tape, thats true, but THATS BECAUSE THEY EDITED IT TO BE SOME FAKE NEWS. Listen, you need to do better. cant i just say, “ i apologize, can you all move on now?” i think that covers it.
FROM: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
TO: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
Date: May 20, 2018, 1:30 p.m.
Mr. Schlossberg, we’ll get back to you.
FROM: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
TO: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
Date: May 21, 2018, 8:02 a.m.
We think this is best for you and where you are in life. Everybody knows your name and I’m pretty sure most people hate you. If you’d like to stay employed or be employed anywhere, we highly recommend taking a much more amenable course of action. Our crafted apology, which we vetted with several Spanish-speakers who were aware of what you did, really attempts to blunt the narrative that you are a racist troll. In case you aren’t aware, the only racist trolls who succeed are in the White House and you don’t seem to be running for office. If you’d like your money back and would like to try your luck with a different PR firm, we’ll refund your retainer in full.
FROM: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
TO: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
Date: May 21, 2018, 11:45 a.m.
Fine, I talked to my mother and she agreed with you. I still think you’re both wrong but she thinks it looks good. OK, so I will put it up on Twitter. Should I also upload a video of myself crying while “Despacito” plays in the background, or watching Coco? I liked Coco.
FROM: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
TO: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
Date: May 21, 2018, 4:50 p.m.
We highly recommend against any of that. In fact, just post the statement and then get off of social media. No pictures, no video, no Coco, no “Despacito.” Just...post the apology. Thank you.
FROM: Aaron S. (AmericaBitches@gmail.com)
TO: Bob Dobalina (ItsFixed@YouCantSayThatMfer.com)
Date: May 21, 2018, 6:15 p.m.
Cool. I’ll do it in the morning. Thanks. Let me know if you guys want to get some tacos or something. I know this great English speaking mexican restaurant. just let me know.