I’m just now realizing that it isn’t just the Trump administration’s policies that drive me nuts. It’s not the rambling speeches President ChiChi von FuckFace makes or even the endless rallies that include those rambling speeches ... it’s the tweets. And not just the tweets, but the victory-lap tweets.
If this were the original Karate Kid, the Trump administration, most notably Trump and his dumbass son Donald Jr., aka “Not-Ivanka,” would be Cobra Kai. If this were The Goonies, the Trump administration would be the assholes that tried to kill Brand.
Maybe it’s the influx of power, considering that his father is the president, or maybe it’s his divorce and countless hours spent in the gym trying to undo the genetic landscape that will sag his body into the potato-sack shape that is his destiny. Or maybe it’s his new boo-thing, Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle (which I always read as gargoyle), but something has gotten into Not-Ivanka that has him tweeting “lit.”
I wish I were joking.
On Wednesday, after learning that Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy was retiring, Trump Jr. tweeted:
I spoke with the cool kids residing at the cool table, and the consensus is in: Donald Trump Jr. is banned from using the word “lit.” He’s also banned from using any derivative of the word “lit”; therefore he can’t say “litty” or “light it up.” Mostly because Donald Trump Jr. abhors those who speak this way and is complicit in policies that openly ruin their lives.
Not to mention that this typical white-guy-frat-boy shit is antagonizing and divisive. We all know Donnie Jr. doesn’t typically talk like this, but he does when he’s trying to drive home a point, and the point is that those who speak this way are about to be fucked.
Kennedy’s retirement from the Supreme Court means that the president now gets to nominate another justice to a lifetime appointment, which means that all the cool kids (aka the liberals minus the 53 percent of white women who marched wearing pussy hats but secretly voted this ass bag into office) are about to be screwed.
It’s typical colonizer behavior: Speak in the language of the oppressed right before you really oppress the shit out of them.
Lord Jeffery Amherst did it to Native Americans right before he gave them smallpox blankets. Osama bin Laden reportedly dropped a few American colloquialisms right before 9/11. It’s what every asshole bully antagonist does in every movie from the ’80s when he’s really trying to get under someone’s skin.
It’s maddening and annoying.
Also, Not-Ivanka sounds dumb AF, just like every other douchebag who tries to sound hip, using language that doesn’t fit.