Dear Demetria:
I’m talking to this guy. His recent ex is actually pregnant by him. He explained to me that he strongly felt like she tried to trap him because he told her before she got pregnant that he wasn’t ready to start a family.
When she got pregnant, he told her the best thing would be to get an abortion. He thought she did, but apparently she lied and didn’t go through with it. So he gave her the option to give it up for adoption or she could keep the baby, but he was not going to be a part of their lives. I’m guessing she agreed at first, but ultimately she changed her mind, so he finally left her. He wants to go back to school for his bachelor’s degree and become a cop.
I still don’t know how I feel about this. She gave him a choice to be a part of the baby’s life without being with her, but he still said no. I feel he’s awesome with me, but this scenario bothers me. I don’t know why. What do I do? —Anonymous
I appreciate your candor and the details you’ve provided, but honestly, you could have stopped after the first few sentences and my answer would have been about the same: No.
Why? It’s one thing to have a partner who has a child from a previous relationship. Hopefully by the time you meet that amazing co-parent, that person has sorted out his or her major issues with the ex and they’ve got a smooth operating system running.
But dating a man who has someone else pregnant? Whether or not he wants to be a father to the child, the fact remains that there is a woman out there carrying his child and he is not with her. That relationship is messy and complicated and unresolved. You don’t need the headache. Run.
The additional details are astounding, and the only thing they change about my answer is escalating it from “no” to “hell no.” You’re likely bothered by his version of events because they defy common sense and demonstrate an appalling lack of responsibility and character.
Unless there’s some far-fetched scenario in which he wore a condom to prevent getting his girlfriend pregnant and she went all Being Mary Jane and used a turkey baster to retrieve its contents in hopes of impregnating herself and it worked, this guy wasn’t “trapped.” (And if that were the scenario, he would have told you.) It’s much more likely that he and his ex had unprotected sex and she became pregnant as a result of the act that they, together, the two of them, participated in.
Even if they did have safe sex and she still became pregnant, that doesn’t absolve him of the responsibility of taking care of his child. Sex is pleasurable, and many people treat it as solely recreational, but the middle school biology fact we all have to remember is that it can also result in a child. It’s a risk all heterosexuals take when we have sex.
In your guy’s case, he was unlucky in that a woman he didn’t want to become pregnant became so. But bad luck as a result of an act he willfully participated in doesn’t mean she trapped him.
What should bother you the most is the way he’s opted to pass all the responsibility on to someone else. A child who carries his DNA is on the way, and he’s straight up opting out of his child’s life. That’s horrible.
You should be concerned about a man who can walk away from a woman who is pregnant with his child with no remorse. He’s wired all wrong. Do understand that he will never do any better by you and will probably treat you worse.
What should also bother you is the brazen way that he has made demands of his ex, a woman who likely once thought he was “awesome,” just as you do. I’m sure he’s attractive, very charming and a great conversationalist, which is why she probably committed to him. And you are still dating him even after he told you that he broke up with his ex when she wouldn’t abort their child.
When he doesn’t get his way, he bails on his responsibilities. It is only a matter of time before he pulls this behavior with you, and he absolutely will when you don’t do what he wants. He’s showing you who he is; believe him. Bail on him and this terribly complicated scenario before he treats you this way next.
Demetria Lucas D’Oyley is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love as well as A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.
Previously in Ask Demetria: “My Ex Is Spilling the Tea About Me on Social Media; How Do I Make Him Stop?”