On Sunday, Bill Melugin, a correspondent at Republican Disney Plus network Fox News, tweeted video of what he called “the largest group of migrants we’ve ever seen being held by Border Patrol under Anzalduas Bridge in Mission, TX.”
For whatever reason, Candace Owens took the video footage as proof of absurd claims she’s made in the past that Democrats were purposely moving to disenfranchise Black voters by opening the borders to illegal immigrants so their votes can make our votes irrelevant.
“Whenever black America is ready, I’ll accept apologies for the refusal to listen as I warned for YEARS that if Democrats got control, they would import new voters over the border—making the black vote irrelevant,” Owens tweeted Monday.
She went on to say “Trump’s wall was never racist, it just disrupted their evil plan,” in praise of the guy who actually tried to disenfranchise Black voters by engaging in a baseless “stop the steal” campaign aimed at throwing out votes cast in precincts in largely Black areas.
Obviously, Owens has made a career out of being an expert in absolutely nothing, and she has clearly done as much research on immigration as she’s done on Black hair and edge control. Her argument doesn’t make sense considering she’s implying immigrants will vote overwhelmingly Democrat, which Black voters already do, but Owens is never really here to make sense—she’s just here to be the world’s Blackest white nationalist and say all the things that give white people a collective chubby.
But none of this means Black people don’t owe her an apology. We have neglected the Kanye West of Marjorie Taylor Greenes for far too long. For a Sunken Place fortnight—which equals years in real time—we have disinvited her to the proverbial cookout and we have damned her sambo-lian soul to Hell where it rests comfortably underneath Rush Limbaugh’s ample bosom. And since I am guilty of occasionally—for lack of better words—roasting the fuck out of her dumbass, I shall lead the negro pride lands of these United States in issuing her our collective formal apology.
So here it goes:
To Candace of House Negro Owens, the first of her name, the Mother of Dragon Breath, the Protector of the Sunken Realm, the Ben Carson of people whose eyes open all the way, Jason Whitlock draped in Diamonds and Silk, QAnon for Colored Girls, Queen of tap dancing for white supremacy and still not getting invited to the RNC—we of the monolithic entity that is Black America do apologize.
We now understand that your knowledge of Blackness in America rivals only your knowledge of Lee Harvey Oswald’s military record.
When you said “Blexit,” we legitimately thought you were either talking about some Walmart cereal brand or the process of exorcising the evil negro spirit from your heavenly, Caucasian ora—but we were right wrong.
We apologize for every time we thought you were Omarosa because all whitey-humping bed wenches look the same to us.
We apologize for every time we called you a boot-licker when it’s clear you only lick the finest of Klan-ish footwear and neo-Nazi stilettos. We know now that if it ain’t Mayo-Gucci, you ain’t putting your tongue on that ghetto-ass shit.
We apologize for not realizing racism in America ended all the way back in *checks notes*2007, when you sued the Stamford Board of Education over *checks notes again* racism.
For all the times we talked bad about your idiocy, your edges, your guitar pick-shaped head, your unearned smugness, your Uncle Ruckus-like mentality, your secret unrequited crush on LeBron James, your Trump-friendly ass-to-mouth policy, your wigs that make Tyler Perry say, “Damn, I wish I thought of that,” the Trump-bashing website you ran but completely forgot you ran, your Hitler love and your BlacKaren ways—we of the Un-Blexited Negro Foundation humbly and wholeheartedly apologize.
We are as contrite as you are con-white.
We sorry.