I have a small crew. We don't tag buildings with graffiti or jump crews called The Sharks. We're better than that. We tend to meet up for things called "cocktails" and they eat sushi when its available and I eat things that aren't sushi. I do not like sushi. Anyway, one of the folks in my non-violent crew and I tend to have a pretty bad habit: we make bad choices. It's kind of our thing. We've pledged to do better - it is 2015 and all - but you know how that goes. There's rarely an award for being a better person and its usually much more fun and adventurous to throw caution to the wind and see what happens on the other side of that questionable-at-best decision. Sometimes you pay for it, but there's usually always a story to tell. And if there's one thing Biggie taught us, its that life is about the stories. Biggie had a story to tell. He's dead now though. RIP.
Well, one thing that I've noticed about myself is that I tend to make a lot of the same bad decisions over and over. Like the exact same bad decisions. I don't know what to call that but its definitely a diagnosable problem. You know it will end badly, but you do it anyway. One of you smarty art motherfuckers can probably hook me up on some medical lingo. All I know is that I often say to myself, "Cole, you stupid." And I'm usually right. In the spirit and honor of sharing, allow me to share with you all a personal list of bad decisions I CONTINUOUSLY make.
1. TGI Friday's Bruschetta Chicken Pasta
I see some of you questioning why I go to TGI Friday's. I love that place. Fight me. But this food item is trash, b. It sucks. And I've ordered it damn near EVERY time I've been there. The menu makes it look so good. I say to myself, "self, I think this is the same trash from last time that you hated. Pretty sure it fooled you then. Don't fall for it again." Non-gender-specific wait staffer comes to the table and my dumbass is aggressively like, "yo…BRUSCHETTA CHICKEN PASTA FOR THE MOTHERFUCKIN' WIN, B". I even ask if its good and they always say, "yes, its a popular item." And it is, the first time anybody's been to fuckin' Friday's. It always tastes like ass. And not like the ass everybody's eating nowadays. Like, the kind of ass people used to not eat. The kind the Tossed Salad Man made us afraid about.
But you know what, I'll probably order it again. In fact, I know I will. I will dupe myself into thinking its NOT the same bland trash I've ordered 30 times already and hated. Nope. in my head, the item I ordered isn't on the menu anymore. I have a condition, people. Just call me Vidal Paul Mitchell. Actually, just call me maybe. See what I did there? You probably do. I'll stop now.
2. Car Air-Fresheners
You know how you get your car washed and you pay and they have the tree shaped car air fresheners? Well I always get the exact same one: green apple. This isn't the bad decision. The bad decision is that I open that bitch all the way up and hang it from my car's rear view mirror rendering me and everybody in my car unable to breathe for a solid week. Them shits are strong. Got me driving down the street with my window open trying to let out some of the strength, pretending I'm not fucking freezing. It's 20 degrees outside, fam. Me? I'm blasting shit like "About The Bass" while old and young white people silently judge all Black people for listening to music too loudly. I tell myself EVERY time I buy one of them things that I will NOT open that joint all the way, but I do it every time. Every time somebody gets in my car they're like…"new air freshener huh?"
I used to wonder why I saw folks with the air fresheners hanging half out the bags…you know, like the instructions say to do…and I know now. Except I've known for years.
3. Asking "why not?" instead of "why?"
This has been a burr in my saddle for eons at this point. Me and one of my compadres used to have this philosophy that instead of asking why should I do something, we should say, "why SHOULDN'T we do something?" This…is terrible advice. It ensures the maximum amount of fuckery which is good when you're like 21 and in Vegas or Singapore. But at some point, one should make better life decisions in general. This is more of a vague catch-all than it is a specific obviously, but let's just say, I have continued to ask myself "why not?" when I should have been asking myself "why?" on any number of issues of the day to include sock choices, that pair of shoes I don't need, and paying that bill I truly hate paying. Oh, that last one? Changed the game on these hoes. It's like, "why pay Comcast this month?" as opposed to "why not pay Comcast this month?" See how I flipped it? You can see. You're reading this. I see you. (I don't see you.)
4. (My personal favorite) Taking that one additional shot I know I shouldn't take
Along with my crew, I run with a solid group of about 15 trained alcoholic beverage inhalers. This is a group of people who have never met a drink they don't like taking. This is my life. There is no chill in this group when it comes to drinking. Usually this isn't a problem. But every now and then, that last drink is a bridge too far. And I ALWAYS see it coming. But who can really turn down an 8th shot of Jameson? I mean, really. You've got to have undeflatable balls to say not to the Jamo. I'm in love with the Jamo. But you know who doesn't love me back? K. Michelle. I'm just kidding. She loves me. Jamo on the other hand has left me high and dry. Just a few weeks ago, I ended up in the fetal position behind a bar while people I know took pictures of me and posted them on social media. I ALSO got dropped off at home by one of my boys who filmed me trying to unlock my neighbors door for a solid 5 minutes before realizing I was at the wrong house. Jamo did this to me. Or whatever that last shot I took was. Point is, I be knowing, yo. I be knowing. But I live to fight another day. And I will always take that one last shot that is a bridge too far. Is it smart? No. Will I do it again? Yes. Who do we love? Penny!
5. Passing up a good parking space for a better one that doesn't actually exist
It sounds like a metaphore for life, right? It's not. This is literal. I do this all the time every time. I will see a decent parking space that in all actuality is like a 2-3 minute further walk than a space I REALLY want. Lo and behold, I spend 30 more mintues driving around and contemplating life and cursing parking laws in DC when I could have been in the club taking shots I know I don't need as opposed to smelling the car freshener I shouldn't have opened up right after I asked myself "why not?" It might be human nature, but human nature is fugazi at times.
That's five bad decisions I will continue to make. One might call them bad habits. I call them "things to work on" for the 99 and the 2000. Because we're taking over…one city at a time. What? I don't know either.
So, in the interest of sharing and getting to knooooooooooooooooooow you, getting to know more about yooooooooooooooou…have thee any bad decisions that you continue to make over and over? Do tell.