***VSB is proud to debut Ask Agatha — a weekly advice column from Agatha Guilluame. Please be advised, however, that Agatha's comments are Agatha's comments and may not reflect the sensibilities of VSB. Basically, she might be on some other shit.***
Malcolm from Washington, D.C. asks:
I’m really good at Math (well maybe my calculator is) and so, when it’s a group of us, I usually end up doing the Math for everyone before the bill comes. I’m never wrong. My friends have been taking it for granted though. So my question is, is it the man or his tool?
The first time I had passionless sex, in June of 2014, somewhere in Brooklyn, I came to the realization that it’s neither. And so should your friends. But that kind of self-discovery comes with time.
Kwame from Queens, NY asks:
My girl went natural and I want to support her but it looks a mess. Should I say something?
Yes, you should. Also, feel free to email me with all follow-up questions about being newly single. Da fuck.
Melissa from Washington Heights, NY asks:
I have a medically small vagina. Self-diagnosed. I still use the slim fit tampons for teens. It falls out a lot but I also don’t get a period so I never actually need it, it’s just comforting knowing it’s up there, even for a little while. Anyway, I usually need about four good pushes before a guy gets all the way in and that can be awkward so I usually tell guys right up front, on the first date, during dinner about my self-diagnosed medically small vagina but my friends think that may be off-putting. I think I’m just being honest but I’ve also been single for quite a while. Am I doing something wrong?
I have a feeling you’re doing everything wrong. Also, you’re not being honest. Here’s the thing, people that have real, medically small vaginas, even the self-diagnosed ones, don’t find that four good pushes usually does the trick. In fact, they have to spend months and years, using a series of increasingly larger dildos that they have to keep in them for hours at a time to stretch the tissue in order to finally be able to have intercourse. They have to physical therapy their vaginas dawg. I’d venture to say your vagina isn’t so medically tiny, that it’s too small to hold a conversation. The real diagnosis, and I’m pretty sure of this, is that you’re just dry hun. You’re so focused on impressing men by how teeny tiny your vagina is, as if uncomfortably tight is a turn on to anyone other than men in Regency Romances, that you’re letting them skip foreplay. And you’re not doing either you or them any favors by skipping foreplay. It’s makes for a lot of trash sex. And trash sex is why you’re single. And your lack of self-awareness but you didn’t ask me that. Here’s what, buy a new dress, go to Happy Hour and try not to bring up your vagina in polite company.
Ed from Houston, TX asks:
My hair is thinning on top. The black spray my barber uses is no longer cutting it. But as a black man I feel like the only option left to me is a baldy. Plus, I don’t have the best-shaped head. Any suggestions?
A hat? It should’ve always been a hat. But listen, as I sit here with a head full of some other woman’s hair in my head, I realize, regardless of gender, that we should all have that option. I imagine a future where we’d be able to sign up for expeditions that allowed us to hunt down and scalp our head of hair of choice (I hear the adrenaline makes for a suppler follicle) however, in the meantime, if you’re brave, try this:
Tasha from Rockville, Maryland asks:
My boyfriend and I moved into together. Now I've realized I'm poop shy. Help!
Yo, I get it. We’re all trying to maintain our feminine mystique. For years I used to turn on the faucet and pee in my boyfriend’s tub. His bathroom had a very thin, shared wall with his bedroom and I was terrified of him ever associating my sweet self with a flushing toilet. I was convinced he wouldn’t be able to handle the idea that I peed on occasion. Crazy, right? But yeah, whether you live together or are just spending the night…what do you do when you gotta doo? Well, there's no such thing as a spontaneous overnight for a woman. We need enough notice to wax, strip and Spackle it all. And this prep time, about 24 to 48 hrs before, is when you should take a laxative. But now that you’ve moved in together, there’s a long and short term plan for shitting by bae.
Long-term:
You have to re-train your poop schedule so that it coincides when you take your shower. As you can guess the running water masks the task and the soap scented steam masks your pork heavy diet.
Short-term:
As these tips were gathered from the trials and errors of myself and my girlfriends…
1. Take your perfume or body splash (if you're basic) with you. You'd think every bathroom would have air freshener at the ready but most don’t; besides the spray of your perfume is quieter than an aerosol can.
2. You gotta line the toilet water with toilet paper. Don't ball it up. It'll clog the toilet. Just put enough sheets to completely cover the surface of the water. That'll mask any splashing sounds.
3. Turn on the faucet.
4. Climb up onto the seat and stoop. I know, I know. But humans were meant to stoop when they eliminate waste so when you do stoop, you poop more quickly and efficiently and there's no straining. Which is what we’re going for here. You can't afford to be sitting there thumbing through Instagram. You can’t afford to let that stink fester. So stoop, shit and flush.
5. Wash your hands, Stinky.
Judy from Atlanta, GA asks:
I owe a co-worker money. I knew when I borrowed it I was never gonna be able to pay it back. She asked me for it yesterday and I told her I'd have it today. Should I quit my job?
No, don't quit your job. I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Everyone, but your coworker apparently, knows that you don't lend money to people that need money. People that need money don't have money. And people that don't have money can't afford to pay you back. I think you got that job to teach her that fundamental truth. And you have to keep that job so that she never forgets. You're basically a martyr.
***If you have any questions for Agatha, please reach us at contact@verysmartbrothas.com with the subject line "Ask Agatha"***