***By the time you all read this, I’ll be on an island basking in the sunshine but since one of my faithful readers said sunlight is for closers, I figured I should stop dicking around with this advice column and write something so I can enjoy these island rays guilt free. I can’t guarantee another post next week because I’ll still be on vacation but beggars can’t be choosers Phlyy. In the meantime, while I’m shaking my ass in Jouvert, there are 101 other female writers Damon thinks y’all should checkout.
—signed, VSB’s 102nd Favorite Female Writer (We beefing foreva Day Moan)***
Nick from Atlanta, GA asks:
My girl and I have been on and off for a few years and recently, after a lot of conversations and a lot of promises made by both of us to do better, we’ve been back on but she’s gotten too comfortable. I feel like we’re not on the same page. I thought it was a fresh start but for her it seems to just be a continuation. She seems to feel we’re good but I feel like we’re in a bit of a rut. I mean we’re not even having sex. And before you suggest I take it upon myself to spice things up, I’ve already tried that, exhibit A (I’m in blue):
Just to be clear, I had her food ready but after she ate, she said she had a headache and went to bed. I left and went back to my place and the next day when I tried to talk about it, she flipped it on me by saying I only care about sex and not the fact that she had a migraine. Exhibit B:
So where do we go from here Agie?
Nick is it? Nick. I’ve never seen a relationship die in real time before. It’s like you see the cow in the field off the highway and you see the steak on your plate but I feel like you took me to the slaughter house and made me watch as they shot the cow in the head with a bolt gun. Dammit Nick, now I finally understand the term “death knell.” Because that’s what the line “I just want to…travel, eat good and laugh a lot” was, it was the sound of your relationship dying. It dead. So the only thing left to do is mourn it and move on.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s walk this whole thing back.
For those of you playing along, I hope you didn’t make a drinking game of the number of times homegirl mentioned or referenced food, because you’re at work. And you shouldn’t drink on the job.
But back to you Nick. So you and your soon-to-be ex have been on and off for years. That’s your first red flag. You’re only allowed one dramatic breakup and reconnection per couple. Any more than one and you stop taking each other seriously. It’s the reason why homegirl probably didn’t even roll over when you stormed out of her apartment. She probably burped (because good food) and muttered “he’ll be back” as she flipped her pillow to the cool side.
Your second red flag was the fact that you all haven’t had sex for weeks. Which is fine and dandy if it’s fine and dandy but clearly you’ve had issues with it which makes it an issue but yet…
You see I wasn’t sure if homegirl even knew that there’d been a drought or that you’ve been feeling the lack and her LOLs and requests for food in response to your “how nasty you want it? I been really waiting to put it on you for some weeks!!” almost made me miss it but she fully acknowledges, but without the least bit of contrition, that she’s been aware of your need, with her “I know you been waiting, acting up too LOL.”
*shudders*
What a motherly thing to say.
She’s made sex a favor she’s doing for you. And I wonder why it’s so low on the totem pole for her. Doesn’t she have needs? It didn’t even make the list of things she wanted out of life. And come to think of it, you know what else didn’t make that list? Love.
Whether she knew it or not…her relationship was dying and she didn’t even bother to fight for it. There was no mention of love. From either one of you. Red flag number three.
Food was mentioned four times and love, other than that parting dig, not at all.
And you know sometimes you fight about one thing when the fight is actually about something else but based on that very painful attempt at sexting…it seems like for her, she was just hungry.
So why'd you "bear her up" about it? I mean, you made steak and you also made Her. This. Way.
I'm pretty sure by this point in the text exchange she was just clowning you. I mean she had to be. How else could she manage to blame you all while nailing her own self to the cross?
She just wants to know you'll take care of her no matter what. The guilt trip.
She just wants to push forward. The appeal to reason.
She just wants to travel, eat good and laugh a lot. The truth.
So homegirl how do you get there without ever taking ownership? How do you shift blame to the point that now he's the problem. How do you insist on discussing your own needs but not his?
Nick this is a professional driving on an enclosed track.
You're outmatched.
You’re the Birdman to her Charlemagne (sp?) so are you finished or are you done?
Because there's really no place to go from here.