Do you feel an unshakeable urge to put hot sauce on your watermelon? When reminded of the great Cash Money Records takeover of nine-nine and the two thousands, can you resist backing dat azz up? Have you ever wished a motherfucker would?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be suffering from being Excessively Black.
Although this condition has plagued melanin-rich people for years, experts traditionally considered Excessive Blackness to be a psychological syndrome that can strike at any time. Many people immediately dismissed Beyoncé when she detailed her battle with the disease. But either those people don’t have to jump to put their jeans on, or they don’t have the genetic markers for EB (It’s most often found among those whose daddy is Alabama and mama is Louisiana).
However, a recent scientific breakthrough by researchers at Black Twitter has revealed a cause of the syndrome that surpasses Don Lemon’s “Openly Black” virus. TikToker @sweetsky66 first exposed the ailment when she played a voicemail from an excessively white job applicant who had apparently researched the issue.
“Unfortunately, I am legally unable to work with anybody that’s ethnic or minority or that’s excessively Black mostly because I have a Caucasian-Irish-English background,” explained the unknown caller who obviously has a Ph.D. in Karenomics. “Also, because a lot of the Hispanics and the Blacks and a lot of the people...They tend to be kind of questionable...Unfortunately, because of my background, I can’t be associated with that.”
Although the woman is obviously stricken with Negro Cell Anemia, this Black-folks intolerant racist is the first credentialed Beckyologist to give a name to the medical issue.
Excessive Blackness is real. It’s most often identified in African Americans who are fuck-deficient and are thereby unable to give a fuck about the white gaze. Found often at cookouts, Frankie Beverly and Maze concerts, and places that serve fish sandwiches on paper plates, some of the most prominent carriers include Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, Ida B. Wells, and Keisha (all of them).
Since this illness was discovered, The Root worked with researchers at the Royal Educational Academy for Logical Neurologists and the International Group for Good-Ass Science (REALNIGGAS) to develop a comprehensive self-examination to inform our readers if you could be Excessively Black:
1. Your boss informs you that you have been selected for a promotion that doubles your salary. Do you:
A. Smile, grip his hand with a firm handshake, and say: “Thank you!”
B. Hug him.
C. Millie Rock.
D. Scream “hallelujah!” while breaking into a full Holy Ghost shout.
2. Someone in your old neighborhood died. How did you find out?
A. The obituary.
B. Your Facebook feed is filled with “Rest in Power, Poochie.”
C. Your mama calls you and says: “You heard about Poochie?” before repeatedly explaining that she just talked to Poochie last week!
D. You saw a T-shirt with their name in calligraphy and their face surrounded by clouds.
3. What kind of music do you play when you have sex?
A. Anything romantic
B. Ballads
C. Love songs
D. Slow jams
4. When your family gets together, what do you talk about?
A. The good old days.
B. Who made the potato salad.
C. Who died, who’s pregnant and who went to jail.
D. Poochie. Boy, stop acting like you don’t know Poochie! Used to talk to Kesha and drive that blue car. Worked down at the mill and sold a little weed on the side. I think he’s some kin to us!
5. Who is the greatest singer of all time?
A. Frank Sinatra
B. Ella Fitzgerald
C. Luther Vandross
D. You don’t know her, but she leads the choir at every pastor’s anniversary.
6. Someone screams: “He’s got a gun!” What do you do?
A. Try to see what’s going on.
B. Call 911.
C. Hit the floor.
D. You don’t know. You started running when you saw everyone else running.
7. Your wardrobe is:
A. Sensible and comfortable
B. Stylish, yet reasonable
C. Categorized into work clothes, play clothes, church clothes and going out clothes
D. I wear “outfits.”
8. How do you season your food?
A. Usually with salt and pepper.
B. I use salt, pepper and various herbs and spices.
C. I use seasoned salt.
D. I use seas-ninn salt. But you know everything needs a little garlic powder and pepper. Plus some onion powder. And a little Old Bay. Also, some oregano and basil. And thyme. But you gotta pronounce it as “thime” or it doesn’t work.
9. What do you take when you get sick?
A. It depends on what kind of sickness.
B. Robitussin.
C. Ginger ale and “go lay down.”
D. The blood of Jesus.
10. What is a cousin?
A. A child of an aunt or uncle.
B. Someone you’ve known more than three-quarters of your life.
C. Someone who’s spent the night at your mama’s house more than three nights in a row.
D. The person you call when you gotta fight to ensure you’re not gonna get jumped.
11. How do you prepare for formal events?
A. Go shopping.
B. Send your formal wear to the cleaners.
C. Go get your hair done, get your car washed, iron your outfit and lay it on the bed.
D. Ask who all gon’ be there.
12. How do you discipline your children?
A. Time out.
B. Tell their daddy.
C. Warn them not to act like they ain’t got no home training.
D. Ask them if they think you’re Boo Boo the Fool.
13. How do you celebrate your birthday?
A. Cake.
B. Get drunk.
C. Get crunk.
D. Pin dollar bills to your shirt. Buy a paper crown. Turn up.
14. Which of these dances is the hardest to learn?
A. The Electric Slide.
B. The Wobble.
C. The Cupid Shuffle.
D. Wait...People learn dances?
15. You have three and a possible. Your partner has six and a possible. What do you do?
A. What does that mean?
B. Go nine.
C. Bid the dime.
D. Lick the big joker, stick it to your forehead, scream “Somebody finna get set!”
16. You have a big event coming up. Your stylist isn’t working. Who does your hair?
A. Whoever is at the shop.
B. No one; if my barber or stylist isn’t in. I’m not a cheater.
C. I go to my cousin’s house and get it done in the kitchen, but I make sure I sweep.
D. I get it done early and sleep sitting up for a few days.
17. What is the highest honor one can receive?
A. Respect.
B. A street named after you.
C. A mural in your neighborhood.
D. Someone fainting at your funeral.
18. What do you say when you are about to fight?
A. “Let’s take this outside.”
B. “Say it to my face!”
C. “You don’t know me!”
D. “So it’s like that? Aight.”
19. What makes you happy?
A. The love of my family and friends.
B. Freedom.
C. I am the only person who can determine my own happiness.
D. White tears.
20. What do you want out of life?
A. Happiness.
B. Success.
C. Equality.
D. White people to just leave us alone.
Answer key:
The answers don’t matter. If you are Black, alive and breathing, you’re excessively Black to most white people.