There is a war going on outside from which no man is safe. Sure, you can run, but you can’t hide forever. It’s tearing families apart, and there’s no end in sight. It’s a war predicated upon the most important of household fixtures: the phone charger.
My refrigerator is important. But as long as my phone is charged, I can order food from anywhere and have it delivered through any number of apps. Shit, if my refrigerator is acting a donkey, I can order a whole new one ... from my phone. However, if my phone is dead, I cannot.
The way our lives are set up nowadays, a phone charger is likely the most significant accessory we own. At Christmas, if you give your teenage children phone chargers, they might not appreciate them in the moment, but one day, in the very near future (like tomorrow), when they can’t find a charger that they know they left on the table, they will appreciate having another.
It’s like the piano lessons of gifts. You might hate piano lessons at age 11, but when you’re 25 and trying to figure out where to get money for food because that job you got after earning that useless degree covering that weekly “Sunday Funday” bottomless mimosa habit of yours fell through, you can go play piano at the mall for money.
Today, Apple Inc., a company that has taken way more of my money than any one company should in the form of phones, computers, watches and tablets, unveils its latest personal-bank-withdrawal efforts in the form of new or updated iPhones, such as the iPhone X, and updates to the Apple Watch and other shit nobody else cares about outside of the tech community.
I just bought an iPhone 7 Plus back in December, but depending on what dat new phone do, I can see myself parting ways with more of my hard-earned money at the hands of the fruit. I might need an intervention. Jesus be a commonsense spending limit, Amen.
Since I mostly just want my phone to work and give me access to constant frustration in the form of “Words With Friends,” I always pay distracted attention to iPhone rollouts. I’m a consumer; as long as my camera cameras and my phone phones, I’m typically good.
What I do pay attention to, though, are charging mechanisms because I like to know if there will be some new shit. See, if there is a new one and I get a new phone, then I won’t have to worry about people in my house, or outside my house stealing my iPhone charger. What technology has taught me is this very simple, nondebatable and factual-ass fact:
There are two types of people in the world: 1) people who keep track of their phone chargers and 2) people who don’t and, simultaneously, don’t give a fuck whose iPhone charger that is if they need it, and will take it and move it and never return that ho unless asked, and even then act like they’re being inconvenienced. Maybe they’ll even lose it—because why not and shit—while they scam on somebody else’s charger.
Let me tell you something about life: Being organized is ENTIRELY useless and a fool’s errand unless you keep organized people around you. Chaos whips organization’s ass EVERY TIME, B.
People who don’t need organization aren’t organized don’t even try. They don’t care. They’re fucking honey badgers and you are the snake. Frustration is your lunch and despair is your dinner. Being pissed is the constant appetizer that you will eat. It’s like trying to roller-skate up a hill. Naked. While Taylor Swift music plays on a nonstop loop of white fragility.
There is nothing worse than scrolling through Instagram or checkin’ out the ’book for all of your daily news—I’m starting to believe that if it wasn’t for Facebook, half of you people wouldn’t know what was going on in the world—and realizing that your phone’s power is under 20 percent, standing up, picking a little flower, then walking into your room, bathroom or wherever you last left your phone charger ... and it’s not there.
You’ve been violated. A theft has occurred. Except it hasn’t been thieved, it’s being used by somebody else (one of those No. 2s—see what I did there?) who ALSO has a phone charger—since phones COME with them bitches—but they’ve misplaced theirs or left it elsewhere, so they needed to “borrow” yours.
I really wish we could do away with the word “borrow” when it comes to phone chargers. To borrow implies a returning of property. People who “borrow” phone chargers and never return them are terrorists. They just leave the charger where they use them, the inconsiderate fucks. I will never understand people who liberate things that do not belong to them from one place and do not return them back from whence they came.
You know what? If you are one of those people who do this, you are basically exacting your own form of technological slavery and heritage erasure. Taking shit that ain’t yours and never returning it back. Demons, the whole lot of you who practice such chicanery.
Now, I will acknowledge that some people have a problem. Perhaps even a clinically diagnosed issue that somehow justifies their actions. I do not know what that clinically diagnosed issue is or is called. The rest of you people, though? A pox on you. A pox.
It’s so cold in the D, how the fuck are we supposed to have peace? I’m glad you asked, T’Baby. I don’t know. You know what’s even more interesting? It’s that phone-charger bandits almost only end up with people who hate being phone-charger bandited.
It’s almost as if life is God’s version of ComicView. While the Big Omnipotent is getting his or her jollies, arguments arise over teeth-brushing about why he/she/you can’t just leave the damn charger where it was. But the bandit never sees it that way; the bandit doesn’t think it’s a big deal. The bandit is a bandit. Nothing so trivial is ever a big deal to a bandit. Bandits don’t give a fuck. You can’t be a bandit with fucks. You just take phone chargers and do what bandits do: anarchy.
So, dear world, if you are a person who borrows phone chargers and never returns them, don’t be that person: Do fucking better. Bambi’s mother did not die so that people have to keep spending $29.99 on new chargers from the Apple Store (or wherever) because the ones from Amazon are ass.
The continuation of the species depends on it. Only you can prevent technology-driven crime.
The more you know. Ding.