As you watch Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address, there will be parts that will likely confuse you. To help you have an optimal SOTU experience, The Root has compiled a list of words and phrases that may give you a better understanding of Tuesday night’s speech. Feel free to use this handy guide as a point of reference when you don’t understand why the hell everyone is standing up and clapping.
Also, you should understand that white people will clap for anything. I once saw a white boy receive a round of applause for wiping his own butt. I know it sounds gross, but it actually happened.
That’s the last time I use the same bathroom as Eric Trump.
American: Any white person who feels a level of patriotism that borders on sexual arousal when he or she sees the flag or hears “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
The American dream: The night visions characterized by grandiose thoughts of stepping on the necks of black or brown people to stuff money into Wrangler jeans or Dockers worn by “true Americans.”
Barack Obama: A Muslim from Kenya who fucked up this country by fixing the American health care system, killing the most notorious terrorist in the world, not colluding with the enemies of America and paying off a grand total of zero porn stars.
“Believe me”: A preamble to a lie. Whenever Trump begins a sentence with “Believe me,” do not believe him.
Bipartisan: From the Latin meaning “both parties”; indicates legislation agreed upon by both Republicans and asshole conservatives.
Collusion: Something Trump definitely didn’t do. I don’t even know why you’re bringing it up here. There is no collusion! Sure, everyone in the Trump campaign had secret meetings with Russians, and Soviet banks gave him millions, but that doesn’t mean anything. What about Hillary’s emails? And Uranium One? And Barack Obama’s birth certificate?
Democrat: A group of spineless people who cannot even protect their party’s email server or read an electoral map, but somehow hatched a nefarious plan to oust Donald Trump with the FBI, a secret dossier, the “deep state” and the fake news.
Fake news: Everyone but Fox News and Pravda.
Freedoms: A nonspecific thing white people get to enjoy and use as a weapon. It’s what “the troops” (see below) fight for. It’s why the terrorists hate us. It is always plural.
Immigrants: Rapists, murderers and terrorists bent on killing us all because they hate our freedom. Unless they’re from a nonshithole country like Norway or Sweden. Immigrants have superpowers that can only be stopped by a wall.
Justice Department: A division of the government dedicated to protecting the poor, delicate whites by dismantling affirmative action, rebooting the war on drugs and hunting down “black identity extremists.” If you’re wondering, no, they are not concerned with “justice.”
Liberals/leftists: White people who do not want to throw blacks in jail, deport Mexicans or spy on Muslims. Anyone who has not accepted the white Jesus who does P90X as their lord and savior. People who do not cry upon hearing the national anthem.
“Make America great again”: A slogan used by Caucasians like a secret handshake that harks back to a time when lynching, segregation and slavery were all legal. The stuff of wypipo wet dreams. White-girl magic.
Republicans: A political party dedicated to furthering the agenda of the richest 1 percent by bamboozling poor white people into voting against their own self-interests. White people who look like Paul Ryan.
Russia: Our future overlords.
Terrorist: Muslims. Some may expand the definition to “people who commit terrorism,” but it is a known fact that white people do not commit terrorism. They have “mental health issues,” and when they kill people in mass numbers, it is called a “cry for attention.”
“That, I can tell you”: An oft-repeated idiom that indicates when Donald Trump is lying. Example: “I have never colluded with any Russians, that, I can tell you.”
Troops: A group of sacred demigods whose praiseworthiness is somewhere between Jesus’ and Ronald Reagan’s. They are also the excuse for everything white people disdain. If you kneel during the anthem, you are disrespecting the troops. When the government shuts down, it hurts the troops because they fight for our freedoms.
Wall: Kryptonite for Mexicans. Something Mexico will pay for.
Winning: The thing Trump promised he would give America so much of that we would soon tire of it. Apparently, “winning” means a rise in hate crimes; unabashed racism; a president who plays golf every weekend; the vilification of nonwhites; politicians protecting a man who tried to subvert democracy; watching your tax dollars go to major corporations; wondering if the president even pays taxes; impending impeachment; the castigation of the American press; a semiauthoritarian regime; being laughed at by the rest of the civilized world because we are led by a commander in chief with the mentality of a feral Chihuahua; late-night junior high tweets; lying; collusion; sexual harassment; an “alt-right” Cabinet; the dismantling of the judiciary branch; and a low-IQ, blob-shaped white supremacist who takes every opportunity to fuel the nonsensical notion that he is a direct affront to freedom.
It feels a lot like losing.