An Open Letter to the Tenn. Mom Offended by Cam Newton

Dear Rosemary Plorin,

Do you mind if I call you Rosemary?

I read that you and your daughter attended Sunday’s Tennessee Titans vs. Carolina Panthers game, where you had the privilege of witnessing one of our greatest players today stomp all over your Titans. You also witnessed something that people like to refer to as dancing, which was done by Cam Newton every time your Titans couldn’t prevent him from scoring a touchdown.

I can see how this could possibly make you distraught.

Actually, I don’t.

In your wordy letter to Newton, you explained how disappointed you and your daughter were at the so-called unsportsmanlike behavior Newton displayed. Chest puffs. And pelvic thrusts. Are what you decided to point out.

Maybe we were watching two different games because neither of those things happened. But let’s pretend they did.

Your daughter is 9, right? I’m sure that, like most 9-year-old white girls, she’s a fan of Taylor Swift. Amirite?

Of course I’m right.

Now take a look at any random Taylor Swift video. Ohhh, look at all of that suggestive dancing. Pelvics. Booties. Body suits.

But that’s OK, though? You’d never think your daughter would say, “Oh, she’s acting like a spoiled brat.”

It’s dancing. By any chance, are you a fan of the movie Footloose?

So does your daughter play any sports?

Has she ever scored a goal in soccer? Did she ever pull off a perfect single toe loop in ice skating? Did you tell her not to celebrate afterward?

Playing football is a celebratory sport. Would you have had an issue with a Titans player celebrating in the end zone? Let me rephrase that. Would you have an issue with a white Titans player celebrating in the end zone?

I think you doth protest too much.

I also think you should stop writing letters and blaming things on your 9-year-old daughter. Because something tells me the only person who was offended was you.

Maybe you should stay away from football games. It seems as though the only thing your sensibilities could handle would be the circus. But, then again, I hear those animals can get out of hand sometimes.