After hundreds of interviews, thousands of hours of exhaustive research and an illegal DNA test performed by genetic scientists at the laboratories abandoned by The Ricki Lake show in the late 90’s, I've concluded that there is a significant statistical probability that:
Donald Trump is probably Al Sharpton.
The origin of this investigation began in one of the most fertile grounds for spreading political ideology and theory into the African American zeitgeist: Cut Creatorz Barbershop in the Century Plaza Shopping Center. No matter where you live, it’s only two blocks from you, nestled between Tiger Dragon Chinese restaurant and Money2Go Check Cashing Service. While this would seem like a dubious place from which to trace history-changing information, thousands of hours of research revealed the gossip to be strongly rooted in fact. Plus, the tenets of journalism and the principles of Black wisdom dictate that one never argues with the brother giving you a tight fade.
I now present the evidence for you to judge for yourself:
The Hair: The scientific community at large generally agrees that the hardest thing to replicate in opposite-race clones is simulating natural hair. There was a saying en vogue during the 1960’s that has since disappeared: “Can’t no nigga with no perm tell me nothing!” For years, Sharpton has said his hairstyle is a tribute to the late James Brown — who he says raised him. While it has been the source of much of his deriding and side-eye, it is also the lynchpin of this theory.
My team of interns (which was really just me in a bear suit) poked through Sharpton’s garbage for over three months without finding a jar of Sportin’ Waves hair grease, a box of relaxer or even a do-rag. How does his hair stay so straight, you ask?
I don’t know.
What I do know is that it more than likely the same secret technology used in Donald Trump’s combover patterns. Some scientists speculate that both hairdos exhibit the same hypnotizing qualities of movement that cobras use to render their victims inanimate before filling them with their deadly poison.
The Voices: Ask yourself this:
Have you ever heard Al Sharpton whisper? When was the last time you heard Donald Trump use his inside voice?
I ran recordings of “The Donald” speeches and Reverend Al’s alliteration-heavy public statements through a voice spectrum analyzer and the results were fascinating. Both use a combination of hyperbole and volume to emphasize statements that would otherwise fit into the category scientifically termed as bullshit. Sharpton would argue his voice is typical of a Black preacher - which brings up another one of my findings: Although he calls himself “reverend” I could not find a degree of divinity in his name, or a single person in the United States who said they attend his church.
The N-Word: When David Dinkins’ stint as New York mayor was the pinnacle of Black success in the political arena, The Master Race-Baiter Sharpton called him a nigger.
To be fair, Trump has never called anyone that word. Well, at least not publicly. But you can be sure, he’s going to call Obama one.
Soon.
Then he’ll be forced to apologize…
To Al Sharpton.
But it will be over the phone, because… well… you know.
Mafia ties: There is an unspoken, but widely circulated rumor that Donald Trump’s construction empire was buttressed by his ties with organized crime in the 1980’s. Similarly forgotten, HBO’s Real Sports aired an undercover video of Reverend Al negotiating a cocaine deal with FBI agents posing as mafia henchmen in 1983. Many people have pointed at this video as evidence why Sharpton can’t be trusted. Not because, like Trump, he was willing to get in bed with the Mafia or distribute cocaine in his own community, but because he is wearing a cowboy hat. Anyone who has a perfunctory knowledge of African American history knows that there are two people you can never trust:
Any Black man with no facial hair…
…and…
…A nigga in a cowboy hat.
They ran identical Presidential campaigns: Let’s be clear. Donald Trump has the same chance of winning a Presidential election as Raven Symone has of winning an episode of Jeopardy. Or Wheel of Fortune. Or the Soul Train Scramble board… if the answer was “Raven Symone.”
Trump and Sharpton are both trolls used by the illuminati, the Bush political machine or the international hairbrush lobby to gin up the batshit, anti-negro vote. Regardless of party affiliation, the mere sight of these bobble-headed blowhards have been shown by Gallup polls to immediately remind rednecks to take a break from stacking shotguns in their doomsday bunkers and go register to vote.
Although they seem like polar opposites, they accomplish the same goal: Stay in the early primaries and scare some of the reasonable, White people into voting for that Bush guy.
They both have time machines: Here is where my research uncovered stunning information:
Many media-watchers have wondered where Donald Trump finds his beautiful wives. They are supposed “supermodels,” but our research has yet to uncover a magazine with Marla, Ivana or Melania on the cover. We looked everywhere, from Vogue Magazine microfiche to discontinued J.C. Penny catalogues. Nothing. Some physicists have hypothesized that the only explanation is that Trump has access to a time machine which allows him to go back in time, kidnap unsuspecting Czechoslovakian teens and raise them in an oxygen-rich environment in an underground lair hidden beneath the Trump Towers until they are marrying age.
Others have posited the same theory as an explanation to how Sharpton’s ability to appear at the side of any wronged Black person with more than three news cameras pointed in their direction seems to defy the space/time continuum. This also explains the cache of people who have been victimized and placed calls to Al Sharpton, only to have him “disappear” when there wasn’t sufficient media coverage — even if they had actually been discriminated against. Advanced level microeconomics show that race hustling can be honed to a very profitable enterprise when aided by the ability to teleport.
Other points of similarity uncovered during this investigation include:
1. A water displacement test revealed their sagging face jowls have identical volume.
2. 84.029% of the garments in the Trump fashion line are made from the material of Al Sharpton’s old velour track suits.
3. 3-D rendering of the baboon-like white tan circles around Donald Trump’s eyes show they are the same shape as Al Sharpton’s bifocals.
Although they worked simultaneously at NBC headquarters, they have never been seen in the same room.
So what have we learned?
This may be the Watergate of the 21st century. I’m sure the mainstream media will dismiss this article as just another wacko conspiracy theory from the left, but when Trump lets the n-word fly or when you find out who’s actually doing the raping, remember — I called it, because I see through the lies and obfuscation to present the unadulterated facts.