In our neverending quest to bring you exclusive content related to the upcoming election, The Root managed to score an interview with a man who, by all accounts, was widely known as the least racist person who attended Thursday night’s match between WWE RAW (Wypipo Working to Elect a Racist-Ass Wombat) champion Donald Trump and Kamala Harris’ lil friend, Joe Biden.
Unfortunately, our plans were foiled when, halfway through the debate, this happened:
Even though our interviewee’s ranking on Billboard’s Hot 100 charts plummeted (It’s a guy named Billy with a chalkboard), leaving our subject with a respectable second-place spot among the audience members, we decided to go ahead with our interview.
The Root: Thank you for joining us. We’d like to start out with your name and where you’re from.
GOP: I’m from Lynchburg, Miss. and my full name is Reaper Bleak Khan but I go by many names. Some people call me the Grim Reaper because I haven’t smiled since 1865. Because I’m very certain and I hate taxes, some people call me Death. Others just call me GOP.
TR: Why GOP?
GOP: Because I’m gifted at oppressing people. I’m the gangster of politics. I “get off” on privilege. I grift off the public. I’m a goddamned offensive person. I grab others’ pussies. I’m a grotesque old pervert who will gladly overlook poverty if it grows our power or gives our party a grain of prosperity.
TR: Got it. So, were you here to support Trump or Biden?
GOP: Actually, I’m a Trump supporter. I’ve always liked the cut of his jib. “Jib” is a nickname for jiggaboo, right? Because I’ve always wanted to cut up a jib. I shot a negro once during Reconstruction but, alas, I didn’t get to disembowel him. This was before you could go to the store and buy a bottle of bleach and I didn’t want to get blood on my Klan uniform.
Anyway, Donald Trump just seems like a person who cuts up jibs and I like that about him.
TR: First of all, a “jib” is an old boating term that describes the part of the vessel where a sailboat flies the flags, denoting the ship’s nationality. Secondly, I thought you weren’t racist?
GOP: Who said that?
TR: You said it during our pre-interview. You told me you were the least racist person in the room.
GOP: I am. But that doesn’t mean I’m not racist as fuck. I’m so racist that I only go places where people are more racist than I am. I used to live in Germany in the late ‘30s, early ‘40s but my political party petered off after Adolf disappeared. That’s when I moved to America. I could go damn near anywhere during Jim Crow. But, after integration, I had to be more careful.
Needless to say, the last four years have been like living in paradise!
TR: So why did you come to the debate, then? Weren’t you afraid that you wouldn’t be the least racist person here?
GOP: I knew I was risking my number one spot by coming here but honestly, I was tired of quarantining in the house. I’m very concerned about catching this global pandemic. Luckily, everyone is wearing face masks now.
TR: You’re worried about the coronavirus?
GOP: No. Black Lives Matter. That shit is spreading like wildfire. But, as I said, a lot of people like myself are taking precautions and wearing masks that make it look like we care about Black lives. It’s like when I threw that Molotov cocktail at a Freedom Rider in ‘61 and then pretended I didn’t know gas was flammable.
So now, to make sure I’m not the least objectionable white supremacist within a 500-foot radius, I only hang at places frequented by the worst racists.
TR: Where’s that?
GOP: Mostly Walmart, Cracker Barrels and New England Patriots games. I chill at Candace Owens’ house sometimes but I’m getting tired of her roasting me for not hating Black people enough. That’s why Tucker Carlson stopped sending quotes from David Duke. It’s kinda lonely. My only real friends are Donald Trump Jr. and Jason Whitlock.
That’s why I came to the debate.
TR: Was there anyone in the audience who came close to you and Trump’s ranking? After all, there was a Black woman moderating the debate.
GOP: At a presidential debate? Hell no? If you haven’t made up your mind who you’re voting for by now, you’re racist as fuck! I knew there was a very slim chance that Ice Cube was gonna be here with his junior high PowerPoint presentation so I knew I was good.
TR: But again, what about Kristen Welker? Do you think she’s more racist than you or Donald Trump? She’s a Black woman.
GOP: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You believe that Kristen Welker is an actual woman? Come on, man!
She’s a third-generation cyborg prototype programmed to appear intelligent and capable of doing her job. There’s no way a Black woman could do a job better than a white man like Chris Wallace! Look at how clear and radiant her skin is! It’s painfully obvious that she is made from epidermal tissue grown in a lab and grafted onto a titanium exoskeleton.
You gotta start reading the QAnon boards.
Even if she’s semi-human, she still wouldn’t count. Me and Donald Trump don’t even consider Black women—or any woman, for that matter—to be actual people. They’re more like hand puppets, which is why Trump always grabs women down there.
TR: OK, it sounds crazy, but are you telling me that you’re less racist than Joe Biden?
GOP: Absolutely. Joe Biden worked under Barack Hussein Obama and everyone knows Obammer believed that all people should be equal, which everyone knows is racist against white people.
TR: How so?
GOP: Well, look at what he did! He gave healthcare to millions of people. Now that they can afford medical care instead of going to emergency rooms, white people will have to wait longer at the doctors’ offices, which is systemic racism.
Plus, he sued every major bank in the U.S. for discrimination. I set a porch monkey on fire in 1946 for trying to buy the house next door to my uncle with a GI Bill. Now the dindoos are moving into our neighborhoods and getting loans based on their actual credit histories. I know equality sounds like a good thing, but do you know what it really means?
It means that banks are treating white people like niggers!
Biden even picked a negro woman for vice president. Well...she’s probably a cyborg too, but what’s gonna happen to all the mediocre white kids who grow up dreaming they become president only to find out some smart, talented jib took their spot?
No more Reagans. No more George Bushes. What’s Mike Pence supposed to do now? Being vice president is the mediocre white man’s dream and Biden has taken that away from all of us second-rate white people and handed it to a robot Senator whose only claim to fame is actually knowing shit!
Joe Biden has done more to hurt white people than I have ever done to Black people—and I lynched a man in 1798 for reciting the Lord’s Prayer! Either that moon cricket knew how to read or knew a spoggadoodle who could. Either way, I wasn’t taking my chances.
TR: So why do you think Trump beat you out for the least racist person in the room?
GOP: Because in four years, he hasn’t said the n-word a single time, which is remarkable. I say it at least 17 times every morning and I know for a fact that Melania Trump has it tattooed on her lower back. To be fair, that doesn’t mean she’s racist. It’s how she keeps Trump aroused during sex because she’s shaped like a coffee straw.
Also, she’s racist.
TR: So why are you so sure that everyone else in the room was more racist than you or Trump?
GOP: Oh that’s simple. As the crowd filed into the room, I whispered “you’re a white supremacist coward” to every audience member. They invariably replied with the same phrase. Although many of them truly believed it, every single one of them gave the exact same response given by every racist I’ve ever met.
TR: What did they say?
GOP: “I’m not racist.”
TR: Well, what did you expect them to say? I mean, you contend that you are the least racist person in every room, so don’t you say the same thing?
GOP: I’d never say that. Go ahead and ask me.
TR: (sigh) OK Mr., are you a racist?
GOP: Sir, all I can say is that there is only one thing I know:
I’m a white man in America.