On Thursday, the President Trump—who often boasts about scoring a “perfect 100” on the S.A.T. (please don’t tell him)—announced bold new changes to U.S. immigration policy. Buried in his nonsensical rant about the invasion of the citizenship snatchers was an apparent policy change that showed the commander-in-chief had no idea about something called the military’s rules of engagement.
“They are throwing rocks viciously and violently. You saw that three days ago, really hurting the military,” Trump said, according to the Military Times. “We are not going to put up with that. If they want to throw rocks at our military, our military fights back. I told them to consider it a rifle. When they throw rocks like they did at the Mexico military and police, I say consider it a rifle.”
In an effort to seek further clarification on this policy, The Root obtained an exclusive interview with NRA president Minn E. Ruhl.
The Root: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with us. I have to say we were stunned when you agreed to this interview because we have been one of your harshest critics.
Minn E. Ruhl: No problem. The National Rock Association welcomes an open dialogue.
The Root: Wait ... did you say “rock?”
MER: Yes, we are the National Rock Association. We represent the interests of rocks all across this nation, including stones, metals, gems. ..
The Root: Wait ... We thought you were representing the National Rifle Association.
MER: It’s easy to make that mistake. Ever since they appropriated our abbreviation we have run into this problem. But the president’s big announcement yesterday put us back in the headlines. It’s great!
The Root: So you’re older than the National Rifle Association?
MER: Of course. We were first organized when the Philistines pushed for commonsense rock legislation after David killed one of their greatest heroes, Goliath. But that was not the rock’s fault. Maybe if there had been someone with another rock, it could have been prevented. You know what they say:
“The only thing that can stop a bad shepherd with a rock is a good shepherd with a rock.”
The Root: No one says that. I think we made a mistake. We wanted to interview the National Rifle Association.
MER: Why? The president just declared that a rock is the same thing as a rifle. We’re anticipating everyone will be filing for concealed rock permits any day now.
The Root: But aren’t you afraid of what will happen when people throwing rocks are slaughtered by the American military?
MER: Look, most of the people who carry rocks legally never use them to commit a crime. It’s a tool, just like any other weapon. Sometimes they use rocks. Sometimes they use guns. You know what they say:
“Rocks don’t kill people, people kill people.”
The Root: No one says that.
Well, what do you think about the case of the five Michigan kids who killed someone by throwing a rock off an overpass?
MER: There you go, blaming rocks. Look, if you put a rock in the hands of the wrong person, of course, it can go wrong. Now people are calling for laws that set a minimum age for carrying a rock. You know what they say: “Leave no stone unturned.”
Has anyone asked if this is what these kids were doing? Do you know where rocks come from?
The Root: I usually find them on the ground.
MER: Exactly. So, by tossing that rock, maybe those kids were acting in self-defense. If the law allows people to “Stand Your Ground,” then why isn’t there a “Throw your Ground” defense? Seems racist against white people if you ask me.
The Root: How is it racist against white people?
MER: Because everyone knows that the blacks have superior throwing ability. And have you seen how many Latino pitchers there are in the major league? How is a white kid supposed to compete if he goes to jail every time he kills someone with a rock?
It’s basically reverse rockism.
The Root: Reverse rockism? What’s that?
MER: It’s the bias against rocks. Why do they refer to crack cocaine as “crack rock?” Why are failing marriages said to be “on the rocks?” And answer me this:
HOW THE FUCK DOES PAPER BEAT ROCK?
We can agree that a rock will kick a pair of scissors’ ass. But paper, my nigga? You think a rock is so weak that we can’t defeat paper? That’s why this Trump announcement is so important. It brings these issues to the forefront. We finally found someone who would give us some visibility. But there are far too few like him.
The Root: What about The Rock?
MER: Because of an ongoing legal dispute, I can’t discuss Dwayne Johnson. But he is not The Rock. The only Rock we acknowledge is Chris. And Mr. Hudson. And, of course, the most famous of them all, the one in a weary land. The Rock of Ages. The Rock of my salvation.
The Root: Jesus?
MER: Bingo! He was the second celebrity to sign an endorsement deal. (Fred Flintstone was the first despite Wilma being in favor of rock control). When he said “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” we knew we had to sign him. That was a great slogan. Shout out to King James.
The Root: Lebron has an endorsement deal with Rocks?
MER: I wish. I’m talking about the original King James. Because of our dwindling popularity, we can’t even get Stone Cold Steve Austin to endorse us. 1980s R&B singer Pebbles offered her services but that was during the time when Run-D.M.C. was working with us.
Most people don’t know that the song “King of Rock” was actually written for Jesus when he rolled the stone away after he was dead for three days. It was supposed to be his walk-in music, but he disappeared all of a sudden. Something about his father calling him home.
The Root: So back to this thing about the migrant caravan and rocks being treated as rifles. Aren’t you worried that your reputation could take a hit?
MER: Are you serious? This whole caravan thing is fictional. Trump knows it. The Pentagon said it was a “waste of money” and everyone in the military knows it. It’s just a marketing ploy. There’s no caravan coming. It’s just something to get Trump’s base hyped up. There isn’t going to be a fight against stone-throwing immigrants and M-16s.
You know what they say: “Don’t bring a rock to a gunfight.”
The Root: No one says that.
A marketing ploy? But suppose someone gets killed behind your insane marketing ploy? What do you think will happen then?
MER: Well, if people die and there’s massive bloodshed, it will just make rocks great again.
Trump’s base has shown that it doesn’t care. America has already shown that it doesn’t care. No one cares. While I have to admit that we stole the idea from the National Rifle Association, if thousands of people are slaughtered at the Mexican border, our lobbyists and public relations team have already come up with a name to rebrand a potential massacre.
The Root: What will you call it?
MER: Freedom.