In a holiday miracle as wondrously joyous as that time a brown woman from the Middle East managed to give birth to a blond, blue-eyed baby, Alabama Republicans certified the Alabama Senate special-election results, effectively ending Roy Moore’s legal claims that it was impossible that so many black people voted against him with white Jesus on his side.
No, seriously. That was Moore’s actual legal basis for his claim.
Moore filed a lawsuit at 10:33 a.m. Wednesday in a Montgomery County, Ala., Circuit Court. The complaint was as entertaining as it was crazy and included, among other things:
- a statement that he took a lie detector test that proved he was not a child molester and that three women who accused him of sexual improprieties were liars
- an affidavit from an election “expert” who previously mathematically proved a “conspiracy” to assassinate John F. Kennedy Jr.
- notes about a YouTube video that showed a guy who said he saw out-of-state voters
- a claim that a Breitbart report of a pro-Doug Jones group scared white people into not voting for Moore by telling them “your community will know whether or not you helped stop Roy Moore”
- an assertion that the black-voter turnout was too high
The suit alleges that voter turnout was 40 percent statewide, but in 20 “anomalous” precincts in Jefferson County, Ala., the voter turnout was 53 percent. Coincidentally, those “anomalous” precincts were ones where black people lived. Jefferson County has the highest number of black residents in the state.
Rick Hasen, an election-law specialist, wrote on the Election Law Blog that Moore’s accusations boiled down to “I should have won under the exit poll, and all of this voting by African Americans must show fraud.”
After Moore’s complaint was filed, officials responsible for certifying the Senate special-election results gathered together to pray to the conservative Caucasian King of kings for guidance and strength.
A judge quickly dismissed the lawsuit, and Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill, a Republican and Moore supporter, certified the results. Then Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey, a Republican, signed the certification, ending Moore’s chance of stopping Jones, his opponent, from being seated.
In a separate document obtained by The Root, God responded to the commission’s prayer:
My children,
I try not to interfere with your election process. As much as I’d love to strike you with some less-than-lethal lightning bolts for Bull Connor, George Wallace, Jeff Sessions and how you treat the black people in your state, I have left you guys alone. Sometimes I can’t restrain myself when I see some of your state’s racist shenanigans, but aside from the occasional tornado and last year’s national championship game against Clemson, I try to adhere to the separation of church and state.
Now you pull me out of the Kwanzaa celebration for a pedophile cowboy who wants to be a senator? Oh, hell no! Don’t push your luck, white people in Alabama. I admit I was happy when Doug Jones won, but only because he put those Klansmen in prison who sent four of my favorite residents up here. We were slapping high-fives and everything!
I’m still kinda tired from Jesus’ birthday party and fish fry. (He loves turning water into Hennessy. I should have never shown him that trick. On the other hand, I can’t complain when he feeds everyone at the gathering with five fish and a loaf of Wonder Bread.)
Look, I’m going to make you a deal. I will get the molesting horseman out of your hair and stay out of your politics if you stop invoking my name every time you want to further your political agenda. Is that a deal?
Love,
Alpha and Omega
P.S. Tell Roy to stay out of the Gadsden Mall. I’ll be watching him.
Read more at AL.com.