There’s an eerie similarity between the NBA trade deadline, which arrives at 3pm EST on Thursday, and the annual tradition known as Cuffing Season.
During Cuffing Season, desperation prevails over common sense as men and women alike clamor for another warm body to lay claim to, while during the NBA trade deadline, much of the same takes place—except they’re all legally required to keep their clothes on.
This season, we have yet to see any big names make a move—though there’s still plenty of time left for Karl Anthony Towns to escape the dystopia known as Minnesota—but here’s how the trade deadline is shaping up after a flurry of trades on Wednesday night.
(Each trade report comes courtesy of ESPN.)
76ers get: Alec Burks, Glenn Robinson III
Warriors get: Three second-round draft picks (2020 via Dallas, 2021 via Denver, 2022 via Toronto)
Anyone who’s watched five minutes of 76ers basketball this season knows two things: 1) Nearly four years removed from draft day, Ben Simmons still can’t shoot. (We now live in a world in which Dwight fucking Howard has knocked down more threes than the 23-year-old wunderkind. I hate it here.) 2) His inability to do so has created major spacing issues for the rest of the team.
Enter Burks and Robinson, who allow Philly to bolster their bench for pennies on the dollar (both are on veteran minimum deals) while spreading the floor with a pair of efficient shooters eager to prove their worth ahead of free agency this summer. It also allows the injury-ravaged Warriors to trim their luxury tax bill while stockpiling second-round picks for a potential bigger move this summer. Everybody wins.
Hawks get: Dewayne Dedmon, second-round picks in 2020 and 2021
Kings get: Jabari Parker, Alex Len
We’ve all heard the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” But sadly, it doesn’t apply here. This move was made to facilitate retaining superior talent (by ridding themselves of Dedmon’s $13 million salary, the Kings are primed to re-sign Bogdan Bogdanovic) for the Kings to solidify the center position—at a steep salary—behind the newly acquired Clint Capela for the Hawks.
Miami gets: Andre Iguodala, agrees to a two-year, $30 million extension with Miami with a team option for the 2021-22 season
Grizzlies get: Justise Winslow
After spending the last several years ensnared in mediocrity, Heat president Pat Riley is playing no games about winning a championship this season. But while Iggy is revered throughout the league for his defense, versatility, and championship pedigree, how much of that will translate onto the court at 36 years old? And at that salary? Shieeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Ain’t no way in hell would I give him that type of bread.
Word on the street is that the Heat are also working the phones to acquire Thunder forward Danilo Gallinari, and if that trade goes down, and Iggy is fresh after sitting out the entire season thus far, the rest of the league is in some serious trouble.