A List of Things Much Better (and Safer!) Than Water to Throw at Stupid, Silly, Dangerous Racists

Someone threw some water at sentient box of racist baking soda Tomi Lahren, and the question of whether it was a justifiable act is now apparently such a thing that our loose-bootied-ass president even saw fit to weigh in.

Personally, I believe it was an inappropriate act. Although Toenail Laryngitis is a hateful and ghoulish little twit, people die in water every day. She could’ve drowned!

That in mind, here’s a list of better and more appropriate (and safer!) things to hurl at stupid, silly and dangerous racist motherfuckers:

1. Couscous
   

1. A bag of leaves
   
2. Ground pepper
   
3. Printed-out Bari Weiss columns
   
4. The Dominican flag
   
5. Fingernail clippings
   
6. The paper wrapped around bottles of kombucha
   
7. Dead bumblebees
   
8. Bubbles
   
9. Coconut water (because there’s literally no other good use for it)
   
10. Thai-style crab fried rice
    
11. Yaki No. 12 jet black
    
12. Autographed photos of Wynton Marsalis
    
13. A really hard glare that’s meant to communicate deep disappointment
    
14. A broken Life Alert call button
    
15. A bracelet made of Cheerios and baby saliva
    
16. Marriott Rewards continental breakfast sausage gravy
    
17. A bucket of glitter
    
18. A lampshade
    

1. Feathers randomly dipped in butter