1. No one
2. Nobody
3. Nathan
4. Nan niggas
5. The people in the room when Apple devised the following paragraphs:
Members of the Black creative community and allies throughout Apple came together to design an Apple Watch Sport Band and Apple Watch face to honor the ongoing fight for racial justice. Inspired by the call to action of both the historic and current movements, the Black Unity Sport Band has “Truth. Power. Solidarity.” laser-engraved onto the interior of the stainless steel fastening pin.
The Black Unity Collection pays homage to the rich tradition and craft of quilting in the Black community and celebrates the colors of the Pan-African flag: red for the blood that unites people of the African Diaspora and was shed for their liberation, black for the people whose existence is affirmed by the flag, and green for the vibrant natural wealth of Africa, the Motherland. The Black Unity Sport Band is made from individual pieces of colored fluoroelastomer, which are assembled by hand and compression-molded into one. The Unity watch face creates an ever-changing pattern that dynamically shifts as Apple Watch moves.
6. Which was probably just Van Jones
7. Van Jones’s long lost twin, Vaneous Jones
8. Future Van Jones, which is Van Jones, but from the future
9. “Sham Loans”—which is the alias Van Jones uses when checking into a Marriott
10. “That marble-headed nigga that be crying all the time”—how Van Jones is known to someone’s uncle who can’t remember his name, probably
11. The same people who asked for a PG-13 reboot of Coming to America 30 years after the original
12. Which is probably also just Van Jones
13. “Hambones”—which is what Van Jones calls himself when eating soul food
14.”Man Poems”—which is Van Jones’s stage name when performing spoken word in CNN office break rooms
15. “Lamb Phones”—which is the name of the ill-fated LLC Van Jones started to introduce livestock to mass communication