The heads of woketeps must be exploding right about now: T.I. is out here being castigated expeditiously on Red Table Talk over something that every self-respecting man believes in: He is responsible for protecting his daughters from both themselves and indignity. What the hell is everybody upset about? All of these black people are standing in line for chicken and not voting, and President Trump has done more for black people than anybody but Dr. King, and here goes Jeezy, sitting next to Joe Biden. It’s rough out here.
If you think awkward conversations only happen around Thanksgiving when our interracial and politically-diverse families get together, you are wrong. Black families fight and get their shit and leave after Thanksgiving all of the time over any manner of social issues. Big Mama’s blood pressure medicine always has to be close by when the family gets together. If you’re the one who likes to trumpet your wokeness and let other folks know just how woke they aren’t, well, this list is for you. Consider it a helping hand, if you will, if you’re interested in either not being asked to leave or being allowed to play Uno and/or spades for more than one hand. You’re welcome.
1. You’re celebrating Thanksgiving. You ain’t as woke as you think. Now, if you call it something else and get your family on board with it (you will not get your family on board with it) then you are fully achieving your wokeness and can proceed with your intentions of the Attempted Waking Up of Your Family. But mostly, just keep in mind that at the end of the day, you also like to eat pork and pork-fried macaroni and cheese and pork-collard greens and pork-pork with a side of pork-infused cornbread, too. Tofu has no place at an Indigenous People Were Murdered Dinner With NFL Games On The Side, but cognitive dissonance is the oyster for many of us.
2. For the most part, nobody wants to hear that “Stephen A. Smith is right” shit, Brodie. Remember back when Mike Vick was convicted of dogfighting? Well, largely the black consciousness was “it was just some damn dogs.” If you come in here talking about that other side of the game, your shenanigans will be frowned upon. I do think that Kaepernick takes on both sides will make for explosive fodder; just know that if you think that every lawyer is wrong and Kap got the same waiver that every other player would, be prepared to hear how full of shit you are and how you always were a bitch-ass Republican.
3. Nobody wants to hear about how if we’d just stop eating Popeyes chicken and started voting or if we’d stop caring about looking fly and focused on being smart we’d all be billionaires. Just shut up and try to Pass Go and Collect $200 like everybody else, Brocephus. Plus, the chicken is good, homie. Plus, I own the expensive side of the board; your Monopoly-broke ass can’t even succeed on a board game. Catch this hotel fade.
4. I do believe that we can all, however, agree that the black man has no place in jail, even if we’re playing Monopoly. I think the whole family can agree that our version of Monopoly doesn’t come with a jail sentence. Woke or Tired AF, we must all fight the power.
5. While all black people are natural-born conspiracy theorists, we really only appreciate conspiracy theories about white people. If you’re woke, conspiracy theories in some way condemn black folks with malice, especially while we’re just trying to consume some comfort foods, save those for your exceptional black support groups and/or your private “I’m Not Conservative, WTF Are They Talkin’ About” or “We Really Gon’ Pretend Like Black-on-Black Crime Isn’t Real?” Facebook groups. Plus, conspiracy theories are really only fun to hear when most people hearing them are able to laugh at and with the conspiracy theorist, usually an uncle most folks only see on occasions where free food is present.
6. For the love of all things considered, keep the Trump proselytizing to a minimum. Old black people don’t care about your belief that he is better for the black community than Obama. Is Trump in a framed picture on your grandmama’s wall? No. Obama is though. Obama and Jesus. Respect your grandmama’s wall.
7. T.I. is wrong. T.I. is wrong. T.I. is wrong. You don’t believe this and feel like he was unnecessarily maligned on social media. Okay. You’re wrong, too. Just remember that your sister is a woman. As is your mother. And aunties, etc. I know you don’t see them as women because they’re your kin, but they are. So if they soundly get you together as you try to police their bodies, just remember, T.I. just learned about patriarchy maybe a week ago (about a week ago). You should give that a whirl, too.
8. If you don’t think you’re a woketep, but literally everything I’ve just mentioned here applies to you, well...enjoy your mac and cheese, though. I tried to help you out.