Early Monday morning, Jada Pinkett Smith logged on to Facebook to tell the world that we should all boycott the Oscars because the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences didn't see it for Will Smith's interpretation of an Igbo accent.
That same MLK Day, "blacktress" Janet Hubert (aka the original Aunt Viv) popped open her laptop, picked her favorite filter on Photo Booth, poured some of her magnum bottle of Sutter Home chardonnay … and proceeded to get in that ass harder than when she put on her pink unitard and showed those white women how to fouetté on the 2s and 4s.
Now, whether or not you agree with Hubert is fairly irrelevant. I personally think she made some salient points, but I also think that hot wings are a breakfast food and that Willie Norwood Jr. is a national treasure, so you may want to take my opinions with a grain of salt.
Regardless, in a four-minute video and a 150-word Facebook comment, Madame Hubert proceeded to be pettier than the number I saw on the bathroom scale after the holidays. She was Petty Pendergrass. Petty and the Jets. Petty LaBelle. The limit to her petty does not exist.
I know it's not February yet, but here's an early black-history fact for you: Any rant that starts with a middle-aged black auntie going "Well, first of all, Miss Thang," guarantees first-ballot entry into the petty Hall of Fame. When you're able to incorporate a 25-year-old beef into a present-day discussion, you deserve your praise. In my arbitrary ranking of petty behavior, Hubert ranks above the following:
1. The security officer who sees you come into work every day but still insists that you show your government ID when you forget your badge.
2. "Chante's Got a Man." Few things are pettier than gathering your girlfriends who have been cheated and mistreated by the men in their lives to let them know that at least you have a man at home who treats you well, and too bad for them and their tragic-ass lives.
3. My group texts whenever I see that Serge Ibaka and Keri Hilson are back together after an extended Instagram-photo hiatus.
4. The Popeyes employee who just took out a fresh batch of spicy chicken from the oil but still tries to give you the old work that's just been sitting there. This is seriously one of the top 10 forms of disrespect you can commit against someone. It's like you approached the lady behind the register with a dap and he or she came back at you with a tepid high five.
5. Everyone's metabolism after the age of 25. I keep trying to calculate the number of miles I have to run to counteract the effects of last week's hot wings, and I just get back "does not compute." And my lower intestines are still processing that burger I ate a week ago. And my scale is just not budging. All my life I had to fight!
6. The Beyhive.
7. Norm Kelly—or, rather, Norm's daughter's 19-year-old Jamaican boyfriend in Windsor, Ontario, who is clearly drafting his tweets for him. What 74-year-old white man is taking time out of his day to craft Meek Mill memes?
8. Drake's rant at the end of "Diamonds Dancing." I don't know who Drake is subbing here, but whichever poor exotic dancer is the subject of Aubrey's latest attentions, she deserves better than a Toronto-area rapper on a newfangled HGH diet telling her "your momma would be ashamed of you."
9. Uber surge pricing on New Year's Eve. Oh, you can't catch a cab in New York City to save your life and trains are a joke after 2 a.m.? Well, for the low, low price of 13 times $20, you don't have to attempt to drunk-drive down the West Side Highway!
10. Any sentence Dame Dash has uttered about Jay Z in the last 10 years. It's 2016 and Dame Dash still can't speak on Jay without reacting poorer than LeBron James when he gets stripped by Steph Curry.
11. Dame Dash's dentist. Maybe Dame's insurance coverage ran out when he lost Roc-a-Fella, but whoever is the guardian of Damon's incisors clearly decided to take a leave of absence.
12. 50 Cent's Instagram. The last 72 hours alone have been dedicated to crowdsourcing Meek Mill insults. Curtis Jackson's dedication to roasting n—gas is damn near unparalleled.
13. My pedicurist. My renewed dedication to trying to out-exercise my hot-wing consumption has led to a terrifying case of runner's nail, and Marina is not here for the s—ts.
14. Lil' Kim's verse on "I Can Love You." What do you think happens when Faith Evans is at a throwback '90s party and hears Kimberly Jones go "in love with you since the days of 'Juicy' "?
15. The time that Woody got Dru Hill back together, only to announce on the radio that he was leaving again. Sisqo was all ready to unleash the dragon until he was forced to peel out of the parking lot in anger on a suspended license.
16. Stevie Wonder's stylist.
17. Mint spending notifications. Listen, if I am at 50 percent of my credit card usage, I am not "near credit limit." And stop telling me how much I spend on food and alcohol every month! Some things need to be left unsaid, like how many times a year I have to get my mustache waxed.
18. My tweets anytime I see Kobe try to hit an uncontested turnaround jumper in 2016.
19. Mark Jackson's commentary during Golden State Warrior games.
20. Martin O'Malley trying to get his two cents in during the Democratic debates. Every interjection that Gov. Carcetti has made has been the equivalent of hating from outside the club.
21. Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech. If you've reached the highest-achievement point in your career and the bulk of what you have to say is dragging the folks you didn't get along with on the way there, you might want to work that out with your therapist (and your tailor).
22. The IRS garnishing 1099 wages. There are few things more frustrating than watching everyone be ready for tax-refund season while you're trying to find a way for the feds not to take 50 percent of your income. It might be time for me to start popping out some progeny; my mom has certainly been asking for long enough.
Shamira Ibrahim is a 20-something New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her as she waxes poetic about chicken, Cam’ron and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at Very Smart Brothas.