Look, I’m not a fan of violence.
Corporal punishment is not my ministry, and aside from owning an Oculus Quest 2, I haven’t had to throw hands in a hot minute.
But aside from maybe slapping the shit out of your firstborn—and even that’s up for debate—you have to be a special type of stupid to get into a physical altercation with a six-foot, one-inch, 285 pound man; especially when that six-foot, one-inch, 285 pound man is Aaron Charles Donald.
For some inexplicable reason, last weekend, a gentleman idiot by the name of De Vincent Spriggs saw a dude that eats babies for breakfast and still chose violence. It didn’t end well for him.
Apparently Spriggs accidently bumped Donald in the club and instead of saying, “Mr. Donald, I am very sorry. I didn’t see you because I wear sunglasses at night” or “Neither one of us wants COVID, so why don’t I just give you six feet and go on about my day,” Spriggs instead got on some meet me outside shit and was rewarded with a broken eye socket, a broken nose, a lacerated ego, and 16 stitches for his trouble.
This is what we call a bad decision.
Most people would look at Los Angeles Rams defensive tackle Aaron Donald, a man who sunk the Titanic because it was foolish enough to run into him, and immediately opt out of any type of physical altercation. Spriggs is not most people. Me personally? I would’ve locked myself in a bathroom stall and enjoyed a good cry until he promised to leave me alone.
To reiterate, under no circumstances whatsoever am I ever in life fighting Aaron fucking Donald, a man who uses the Washington Monument as a toothpick. In fact, I am so adverse to being decapitated by a man whose empathy and restraint can be found on the back of a milk carton, here are five things I’d rather fight instead.
A School Bus
According to my extensive research—and by extensive research I mean Google—school buses typically weigh somewhere between 19,000 to 26,000 pounds. School buses are also made of steel, which I imagine would be excruciating to punch, kick, or headbutt.
SPOILER WARNING: I don’t care.
Not only would I elbow drop the shit out of a school bus in order to elude a brawl with Aaron Donald, I would jump off the top turnbuckle and do a Hurricanrana. I would roundhouse the headlights and leg sweep the chassis. I would German Suplex that fucking bus and if that makes kids late for school, well, motherfuck them, too.
But I ain’t fighting Aaron Donald. That bus gon’ get this work.
Thanos
Oh, y’all think just because The Mad Titan has the Infinity Gauntlet or made the Hulk his bitch that I won’t throw hands with him too? I would go upside his head with a meteorite so quick. Try me.
And if he pulls that time travel shit, I would take my ass back to 2009 and stop Disney from buying Marvel.
I win!
The Coronavirus
Oh, damn. My most nefarious adversary yet.
Thanks to barricading myself in my swank Downtown Los Angeles dwelling, I’ve been able to elude contracting the coronavirus for exactly 13 months and counting (knock on wood). But if we gotta shoot the fair, then the CDC is just gonna have to forgive me for not social distancing while I put this bitch in a headlock.
Remember when you turned my city into a ghost town and made toilet paper an endangered species? Yeah, we got unfinished business. Because no man, woman, or child should have to wipe their ass with stickers or candy wrappers.
Mike Tyson in His Prime
Yes, his style is impetuous. His defense is impregnable. And he’s just ferocious. He wants my heart. He wants to eat my children. But Aaron Donald literally eats babies for breakfast, soooooooooooooo I guess I’m parking my foot in Tyson’s ass, too.
Sure, his raw strength and ferocity is unmatched, but so is my desire to avoid being on the receiving end of Aaron Donald’s fist.
White Supremacy
I mean, I happily do so anyway, but there’s a bit of an added incentive when you consider your only other option is a 285 pound man running full speed at you.
Please keep what remains of De Vincent Spriggs in your thoughts and prayers and remember kids: if Aaron Donald attempts to breathe the same air as you, relinquish every drop of oxygen in your lungs immediately then run for the nearest exit.