We only have a few rules here, at The Root:
- We do not throw shade, dirt or curses on the Gods: Auntie Maxine, Beyoncè, and Michelle Obama.
- We don’t back down from controversial topics unless it involves the messiness that is relationship guru/serial cheater Derrick Jaxn.
- We don’t touch on families. Ever.
Thankfully, and prayerfully, that doesn’t include Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz and his live-in “son” Nestor, who has a pension, a five-o’clock shadow, an AARP card, and is a part of a 30-and-over bowling league.
See, Matt Gaetz claims that Nestor is his adopted son. There are no adoption papers to support this claim, and Nestor has a whole-ass father who is alive and well and hasn’t given his son up for adoption. Yet, no one has truly questioned the nature of this adoptive relationship that doesn’t include an actual adoption. In fact, Gaetz is allowed to go on Republican SpankBang, aka Fox News, and refer to Nestor as his “son” and no one says, “Hey, are you referring to the 19-year-old man-boy who lives in your home and is old enough to buy cigarettes?”
Never forget that we only learned of Nestor’s existence after a heated exchange between Gaetz and Democratic Congressman Cedric Richmond of Louisiana, during a hearing on the Justice in Police Act, in June of 2020.
If you aren’t up on the story, you can read all about it in the required reading piece I wanted to title, “Bitch, Who the Fuck Is Nestor?”
Well, on Monday, Gaetz went on Republican PornHub and claimed that he allowed his 19-year-old live-in son to attend spring break.
“My son is a college freshman. He had no real graduation, no prom, and I struggled with whether or not to allow him to enjoy spring break at Panama City beach.
“I allowed him to have an abbreviated one,” Gaetz added.
“I did not have a good night’s rest the entire time he was there until I knew he was safe, OK, and back at school.”
At no point did the host say, “Slim, Nestor is not your damn son!”
Using Gaetz’s non-adoptive son logic, I could, in theory, go outside and stand next to a Porsche Panamera. I could tell everyone who comes around that this is my Porsche and that I adopted it and have been raising it as my own. I would expect everyone to refer to me as a Porsche father and note that the Porsche is my son. I would then do talk shows in which I talk about the difficulty of raising a Porsche in this climate when I don’t have any papers, no blood ties, not even the keys to the car, and the owner is inside Subway waiting on their footlong.
When the owner comes out and wants to know why I’m calling his Porsche my “son,” I will just use the same defense that Gaetz used in claiming Nestor as his plus one: “Our relationship as a family is defined by our love for each other, not by any paperwork.”
See how fucking stupid it all sounds? Well, that didn’t stop Business Insider from claiming that Gaetz adopted Nestor when he was 12. I guess you have to be white to claim ownership of something without paperwork. I mean, isn’t that how England “adopted” so many countries?
Nevertheless, Gaetz out here talking about his “son” has made for some good Twitter commentary, the one below is easily my favorite.
(Updated 3/3/22 with new details)