Boyyyyyyyyyy was there some ugly football this weekend. Shall we start there? Yes. Let’s.
The Patriots Look Like Dog Shit
After dominating the NFL for decades, Bill Bellicheat must be rethinking this whole “I wanna be an NFL coach” thing because on Sunday, with Tom Brady waving in the rearview mirror, the Patriots put up one of their worst performances since In Living Color got canceled with a putrid 12-point outing against the Denver Broncos. Denver’s defense basically rag-dolled New England for four quarters, sacking Cam Newton four times and forcing three turnovers in a game that more closely resembled a high school wrestling match. With the Pats’ record dropping to 2-3, this is the latest in a season that New England has been under .500 since 2002. Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess that the Pats looked like absolute trash—though to be fair, they barely practiced within the last two weeks due to a buy one, get one free COVID-19 free-for-all within the organization—and another loss next week could raise some serious questions about the team moving forward.
Your Favorite Quarterback Looked Like Trash Too
I don’t know what was in the water this weekend—hopefully not the coronavirus—but boyyyyyyyyyy were quarterbacks stinking up the joint. From Baker Mayfield (bruised ribs wouldn’t let him be great, so I’ll give him a pass), to Aaron Rodgers, to Carson Wentz, to Kirk Cousins, to Drew Lock, it was like every last one of them held a silent protest against completing a pass.
Cousins even made it a point to call a thing a thing after throwing three picks in a vicious 40-23 ass-whooping at the hands of the Falcons.
“The reality is if the pace I’m on in terms of the interceptions, if that were to continue, I won’t finish the season,” Cousins told Courtney Cronin of ESPN when questioned about his job security. “When you turn the ball over, it really hurts your chances to win. I know that. I just need to improve as we look ahead to the rest of the season.”
Yes, Kirk. Chill with the Jameis Winston impersonations and protect the damn ball. The Vikings thank you in advance for your compliance.
The Butt Fumble Has Officially Been Upstaged
It only took eight seasons, but I’m happy to report that Mark Sanchez’s infamous butt fumble has finally been outdone. On Sunday, we were treated to the long overdue, big-budget sequel we had hoped and dreamed about for years and it exceeded every last one of our lofty expectations—unlike Big Momma’s House 2 or Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son.
During the Dolphins 24-0 drubbing of the Jets, Ryan Fitzpatrick did what Ryan Fitzpatrick does best: throw an interception. But it’s not just the interception itself that’s so incredible, it’s...behold this work of art:
Marcus Maye really intercepted a pass with his ass.
If that isn’t poetic justice for Sanchez’s butt fumble, I don’t know what is. Look at God.
Tua Tagovailoa Made His NFL Debut
After sitting around twiddling his thumbs for six weeks, the Dolphins finally gave the people want they want: Tua!
With a little over two minutes left in the game, Tua finally took the field to raucous applause from both the crowd and his teammates. It was also his first time playing since suffering a nasty hip injury last November at Alabama.
Tua Time doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Tebow Time, but we just gotta learn to make it work, dammit.
“I definitely could hear [the cheering]. There’s nothing else playing in the stadium, so I could hear that,” Tagovailoa said of the warm reception he received when he jogged onto the field. “And that was awesome. But to just be out there with my teammates, being my first time, and getting the support and love from them, I think that was super awesome.”
ESPN’s Cameron Wolfe also captured a touching moment after the game, in which Tua returned to the field and sat at the 15-yard line for about 10 minutes to take it all in.
It turns out he was FaceTiming his parents, who couldn’t be in attendance for his NFL debut.
Thankfully, they’ll have plenty of opportunities to do so in the future, as Tua has all of the tools to be a premier quarterback in the league.
Also, special shoutout to the coronavirus for behaving this weekend and not derailing any more games. Keep that same energy in Week 7, because these constant postponements and rescheduled games ain’t it.
Who Balled Out This Week
- Derrick Henry collected 264 yards from scrimmage (212 rushing yards) and two TDs against the Texans to keep the Titans undefeated (5-0).
- Matt Ryan threw for 371 passing yards and 4 TDs against the Vikings in Atlanta’s first win of the season, while Julio Jones went ape shit with 137 receiving yards and two TDs.
- Rookie Justin Jefferson continued to impress with 166 receiving yards and two TDs for Minnesota.