This Headline Is for When Donald Trump Says Something Racist in Wisconsin, Which He Surely Will [Updated]

If your End Times Apocalypse Bingo Card had the revolution starting in Wisconsin, congratulations, you might be in the running for the grand prize of an FDA-approved COVID-19 vaccine. (Spoiler alert: It’s just a 2 percent solution of Clorox, McDonald’s Sprite and Sen. Jim Jordan’s armpit sweat.)

President Donald Trump is scheduled to incite more white-on-white violence bring his “Don’t worry white folks, I’ll get rid of the negroes” campaign message to the good, white suburbians of Kenosha, Wis. on Tuesday. His 1:30 pm scheduled arrival comes less than 24 hours after he excused the actions of violent protesters in Portland, Ore., which came minutes after he defended Kyle Rittenhouse, who somehow managed to waltz into a peaceful protest area with a killing machine strapped to his chest and allegedly shoot two people after officers rewarded him with a thirst-quenching beverage for his freelance anti-Black handiwork.

The man who—and I can’t stress this enough—is the president of the United States, excused the actions of his supporters in Portland by insisting that paintball guns are “a defensive mechanism” before launching into a very technical explanation of the inner-workings of firearm engineering, explaining that “paint is not bullets.”

“Your supporters—and they are your supporters—shot a young man and killed him,” Trump told a reporter who has never inspired a 1,000-car caravan with scofflaws deploying less-than-lethal weapons at bystanders. The president continued to insist that his supporters “protested peacefully” despite reports that the organizer urged participants to bring their guns. Here is footage of the peaceful protest in Portland:

Asked to condemn Rittenhouse’s actions, Trump instead argued that Rittenhouse was under attack by a contingent of very violent Black Lives Matterians armed with invisible weapons who also probably could have had knives in their cars. How are we to know?

“You saw the same tape as I saw,” said Trump during Monday’s scattershot COVID-19 press conference. “He was trying to get away from them, I guess...looks like. And he fell, and then they very violently attacked him. And it was something that we’re looking at right now and its under investigation. But, I guess he was in very big trouble. He would have been...he probably would have been killed.”

The Wisconsin trip is undoubtedly a continuation of Trump’s reckless attempt to incite racial anxiety among the suburban white voters in his base, which also consists of rural white people, other white people and Jaheim.

Trump’s visit will not include a hospital visit to Jacob Blake or his family, who will host a gathering instead of watching the president ignore the fact that a police officer tried to kill their son as his children watched in horror. In a statement to The Root, Civil Rights attorney Ben Crump said Trump refused to talk to Blake’s mother, Julia Jackson, if she allowed her lawyers to monitor the call. Instead, the president opted to call Jackson’s pastor, the Reverend Bishop Not Julia Jackson.

“The family’s primary objectives are to support Jacob’s recovery and to ensure justice for him,” said Crump, along with co-counsels Patrick Salvi II and B’Ivory LaMarr. “If the call had occurred, Ms. Jackson was prepared to ask President Trump to watch the video of Mr. Blake’s shooting and to do what she has asked all of America to do—examine your heart.”

We will update this post if Trump says anything stupid, racist, or inciteful during his visit to Wisconsin.

*Editor’s note: This post will be updated if Trump speaks in Wisconsin.

I thought I said that.

Update: 9/1/20, 2:12 p.m. ET: Trump suggests everyone strip down to their bare faces because...fuck thee coronavirus. 

Update: 9/1/20, 2:45 p.m. ET: Luckily, Trump brought Attorney General and former Police Commissioner of Hazard Count William Barr along to explain complicated legal terms such as “should police officers wear bodycams?”

He’s not a lawyer...

Or a president.

A reporter pointed out that most of the protests have been more nonviolent but, when asked about systemic racism, Trump went on a rant about anarchists, looters and rapists (Don’t ask bruh. I know you’ve heard about the marauding rapists at protests.)

He finishes by literally arguing that the press should focus on the burned up buildings instead of systemic racism because...I told y’all what he’s trying to do.

Anyway, “Satan Went Down to Kenosha,” the sequel to the “Devil Went Down to Georgia,” will be streaming on all music platforms by tomorrow.

All proceeds will go to The Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Buildings.

#BrickLivesMatter