Nobody wants to sleep on the couch.
It’s cold, uncomfortable as hell and sleeping alone isn’t exactly conducive to cuddling with your wife. So in his efforts to protect the sanctity of his marriage and actually sleep in his bed with his lovely spouse, Nicole Tuck, every night, DJ Khaled made a business decision: he begged and pleaded for a rogue twerker to stop the madness during his Instagram Live on Sunday and keep her bouncing booty meat to herself.
Let me paint the picture.
DJ Khaled, born Khaled Mohamed Khaled, is a simple man. He’s home by 8 p.m., rakes his neighbor’s leaves and wouldn’t be caught dead using a plastic straw because Mother Nature is his friend, dammit. He’s a loving father and devoted husband who built his $65 million empire from hard work and dedication, and would never, ever do anything to embarrass his wife, endanger his child or jeopardize his marriage.
So imagine his horror when he hopped on Instagram Live to connect with his fans and some insidious, half-naked temptress began to pour water on herself while shaking what her momma gave her.
Do you see the fear in that man’s eyes?
“Oh shit,” he blurted out in horror. “No, no! Don’t do that!”
And you know what she did? She laughed. And proceeded to pop that ass. Aaaaaand continued pouring water on it.
“I got love and everything, but I got a family and—” he replied, while looking over his shoulder after possibly hearing his wife load a firearm.
Thankfully, the 44-year-old hitmaker shut down the Instagram Live session with his life intact, but The Root has yet to receive confirmation on whether or not Nicole put his ass on the couch afterward. If so, he’s clearly a victim of his own success who not only deserves swift justice, but whose character has unfairly been called into question due to unruly butt cheeks that he had nothing to do with.
He’s a simple man, dammit.
That didn’t stop Twitter from getting its jokes off though.
Clearly this is a case of mistaken identity and the woman in question thought she had hopped on IG Live with Tory Lanez, because the father of Asahd would never.
Please keep Khaled’s marriage in your thoughts and prayers.