Karens are a unique breed. They can usually be spotted in head-to-toe Gap clothing drinking a pumpkin-flavored beverage. What’s most noticeable is the larger-than-normal pointer finger which is always ready to dial 9-1-1. They are usually unable to speak to sales associates and often can only communicate with managers. They are strong, but their collective voice carries with it the weight of thousands of years of merely claiming victimization, especially when no offense is happening. They own everything and nothing. They are both literal and lazy. And until now, we had no idea if Karens were born or made.
Well, now we have a bit more insight after several protesters gathered at the state Capitol in Lansing, Mich., on Thursday, to host the “Open up Arbys” protest against staying safe from the coronavirus. Karens are mad about two things: the stay-at-home order implemented by Democratic governor Gretchen Whitmer and being told “no.” See, Karens aren’t just fighters of imaginary oppression, they are blind to the idiocy of their fight.
Thanks to Al Gore and his creation of this thing called the internets, which I believe Spike Lee would call “Da Internet,” we’ve been able to see Karens in their pre-Karen state.
Don’t worry, I’ve watched the entire video so you don’t have to; granted, it’s only 20 seconds but it’s a difficult 20 seconds.
First off, two children—I don’t want to assume that they are girls since they are both wearing masks—are wearing stars-and-stripes dance outfits. Karens love the flag. For them, it’s the flag over everything. Betsy Ross may have been a Karen. In fact, she might’ve been the first Karen. We don’t even know if Betsy Ross made the flag but you know who would lie about making the flag? Karens.
Anyway, two children are doing some kind of race-baiting white people crip-walk. One is wearing a Donald Trump mask, and the other is wearing a Barack Obama mask. The crowd can be heard laughing because there’s nothing that Karens adore more than watching little Karens dance off-beat like they used to. To make the whole scene even more obtrusive, an altered version of “Candyman” plays in the background.
Below is the only Candyman that black people acknowledge:
At one point, one of the children loses a shoe, and because Karens know that a shoe-monkey won’t stop a blackface show, she emphatically kicks her shoe to her adoring fans who eat it up because they love shoe leather. The video cuts off before the children can load and shoot finger guns but why wouldn’t they, considering that they are playing to an open-carry crowd.
This is arguably the earliest video ever seen of a Karen-in-training and I’d argue that it is conclusive proof that Karens are made. These children have no idea what the hell they are doing and neither does the audience but it includes all of the elements that Karens love: President Trump, a little blackface Obama (always Obama), stars and stripes, and lyrics about the government taking away their rights. If only the children were carrying cellphones while they kicked and thumped off-beat, the Karen transformation would be complete.