A bombastic, Trump-supporting mixed martial arts fighter is desperately hoping that doctors can make his jaw great again after a “Nigerian Nightmare” smashed his MAGA mandible to smithereens, much to the dismay of xenophobic Ultimate Fighting Championship fans.
The main event at Saturday’s UFC 245 featured a matchup between Kamaru Usman, nicknamed “The Nigerian Nightmare,” and Colby Covington, a Trump loyalist supported by Donald Trump Jr. and other fans of putting black and brown people in cages. Before the fight, Covington promised to present the championship belt to Donald Trump at the White House and loudly mocked his adversary’s African heritage, asking: “What has [Usman’s] family ever done for America beside serve in the Federal penitentiary?”
Even though the contest featured two American citizens (Usman’s family immigrated to the U.S. when he was 8 and he gained his citizenship at 9 years old), Covington entered the ring to chants of “USA! USA!” To exacerbate the animus, Covington arrived at the fight wearing a tailor-made suit from the White Nationalist collection of FABA (For Asswipes By Asswipes).
Usman beat that motherfucker like he stole something (an election, perhaps.)
After Covington’s flapping jaw became the first documented time traveler by being knocked into the middle of next week, the “Great White Nope” put his conservative values on display by taking responsibility blaming the referees for his loss. He insisted that the ref “robbed” him of a fair fight just because his jaw decided to visit the concession stand in the middle of the fifth round.
But it was Usman’s post-fight press conference that showed the class and poise of a true champion. When asked about the chanting Trump-supporters, the first African UFC champion shrugged off the question. In a powerful, beautifully eloquent rant, Usman explained that he assumed the chants were for the true American hero.
“What you talking about? They were chanting USA for me,” said Usman, adding:
Let’s be honest. I’ve said it time and time again: I’m more American than him. I am what it means to be an American. I’m an immigrant that came here and worked my ass off tirelessly to get to the top, and I’m still prevailing. So that’s what it means to be an American.
It’s not necessarily just because you’re born here, you feel privileged is what it means to be an American. No. I told you none of these guys work harder than me. That’s what it means to be an American. I work my ass off, and I’m going to continue to work my ass off and obviously with good integrity.
I don’t have to walk around like a punk and say these certain things that are going to abuse the whole country or abuse the whole world and talk about people and religions — things like that. I don’t have to. I’m going to walk with integrity because at the end of the day, I want everyone that’s watching me, every eye that’s on me, to look at me and say, ‘You know what, that’s what we want to be, that’s the example that we like.’ And so, I’m more American than him. So, when they were chanting ‘USA,’ you damn sure better believe that was because of me.
Although children across the country were disappointed to learn that—in this particular case—the jawbone was not connected to the face bone, MAGA fans should not be “broken up” about this. Doctors insist that the failed fighter will be able to resume his martial arts career as soon as they literally pick Colby “Cold-Cocked” Covington’s jaw up off the floor and fix his face. Because he is likely still asleep, the facial regeneration surgeons probably won’t even need anesthesia. In case a transplant is necessary, generous fans, including Khloe Kardashian and Anne Coulter, have already stepped forward with offers of spare jawbone.
Mitch McConnell said he wishes he could help.
While The Root could not find any evidence that the ref was the one who pulverized Colby “Glass Jaw” Covington’s face, we must admit that we missed the last round of UFC 245 because of our exclusive interview with Colby Covington’s jaw: