I was at my grandmother’s house when I first saw the TurboGrafx-16 of Christmas trees. My mother had explained that my grandparents were older and they didn’t have the time nor the energy to fuss over a real tree. I was probably around eight and I was excited to see a fake tree since the name “fake tree” sounded like an oxymoron. When I walked in, I ran to the front room where I’d seen the blinking lights through the window, and there it was, all stupid and blah. My grandmother even had the nerve to wrap the bottom as if she was trying to cover the base and catch the needles that were never going to fall.
I remember there was no smell—no smell of Christmas, no smell of pine—no smell at all.
We didn’t debate why anyone would want a fake Christmas tree as I was eight and my family is black, which means an eight-year-old ain’t debating no adult decisions.
I left thinking that fake trees are for old people, and I assumed that much like adult underwear, certain people had to have them because they didn’t have a choice. I never thought that there were actually people who preferred them. Also, who are these people and what’s wrong with them?
So let’s debate, but first, let’s acknowledge a few things:
- Debates are funny. They are really just an exercise in vocal gymnastics. It doesn’t make one side right or the other side wrong, it just makes those who believe in their side get an opportunity to vocalize their side.
- There are some things that need to be debated for clarity: like who is the best guard in the NBA, or which sneaker had the best 2019. And then there are some debates that shouldn’t even be discussed, like arguments between the Mayonnaise Warriors (or whatever the hell Taylor Swift’s army is called) and the Beyhive; because Cauliflower Teardrops (or whatever her album is called) can’t even touch the recently released Girls Tyme project.
- Much like tofurky’s inability to compete with anything that Butterball has made, I just assumed that the Michael Bublè of Christmas trees were only for those who had to have them. Like prisoners, old people or folks who own their trailers, I always figured that fake Christmas trees were like a walking boot; you only have one because something is wrong.
- If you believe that fake Christmas trees are superior to real Christmas trees then I would like to point out the word “fake” is in the title of the Bhad Bhabie of Christmas trees.
- Jesus didn’t die for you to win this debate.
Also, Charlie Brown didn’t single-handedly eliminate aluminum Christmas trees, which was a fad from 1958 to 1965 for you to bring them back. I mean Charlie Brown effectively pushed this damn tree out of existence by 1967, by hanging the one red ball on his very tiny but also very real Christmas tree. In short, Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree didn’t die so you could go to WalMart to buy the Lucy of Christmas trees.
Yet, in 2017 out of the 48.5 million Christmas trees Americans purchased in 2017, 45 percent of the trees were artificial. Also, according to statistics and bar graphs that I totally made up, these people voted for Trump and have abandoned dogs in the woods.
And don’t give me that cornhole, patchouli-oil-laced-bullshit that “fake trees are better for the environment, mannn!” They aren’t. In order for your Kardashian tree not to totally fuck the environment in the face you’d have to use if for 10 years!
This means that fake trees are not only an abomination against sweet baby Jesus’ birth, they are fucking made out of fake shit that takes forever to recycle! Also stop it with that hippie, eco-friendly shit. Some stuff is just the way it is. Some chickens must be sacrificed to be sandwiched into a toasted brioche bun. Tap water won’t kill you (but you will have to tell me about this one because I’m not drinking it.) And, some fir trees were meant to be chopped down and dragged into your home and decorated so that a fat white man can break-in and leave gifts for your family.
That’s just the way it is.
The Chrysler 300 of Christmas trees should be left in whatever Japanese factory they are made in unless the only tree left is a Douglas Fir at which point get a fake tree because those shits are trash.