After saying there wasn’t a quid pro quo—and then maybe there was—U.S. Ambassador to Not Ukraine finally remembered that he, along with President Donald Trump, Substitute Fixer Rudy Giuliani and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, conditioned U.S. aid and support to Ukraine on their willingness to interfere in the 2020 presidential election.
“Quid pro quo?” said the highest bidder to the European Union ambassadorship. “I thought y’all were saying ‘squid to go!’ I don’t even eat calamari. But if you’re asking if we were trying to bribe a foreign official into subverting the American democracy, then yes. My bad.”
While that is a rough summary of Sondland’s testimony during Wednesday’s impeachment hearings, it is not far off, according to the Washington Post.
“I know that members of this committee have frequently framed these complicated issues in the form of a simple question: Was there a ‘quid pro quo?’” Sondland told the House Intelligence Committee. “With regard to the requested White House call and White House meeting, the answer is yes.”
Reminiscent of a scene from The First 48, where the stoic gangsta collapses into a tearful apology as soon as the detective pulls his chair up close to the killer (what is it about that chair sliding across the floor that elicits a confession?), Sondland told everything and pointed the finger at everyone, including himself.
“My belief was that if Ukraine did something to demonstrate a serious intention [to smear Joe Biden] then the hold on military aid would be lifted.”
Sondland even pulled out text messages, screenshots and old emails to the administration’s Ralph Wiggum, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, confirming his account of the yearslong international bribery scheme that he totally forgot about until today.
Sondland was among the first Trump administration officials to testify in closed-door impeachment interviews and assured congressional investigators that there was no quid pro quo. After subsequent interviews revealed him to be a goddamned liar, he suddenly remembered that he had negotiated “investigations” into Joe and Hunter Biden but argued that the shakedown of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky wasn’t necessarily a “this for that” deal. Now, the Tekashi 6ix9ine of ambassadors has told the whole story.
President Donald Trump insisted that he doesn’t even know Sondland like that, telling reporters: “I don’t know him very well. I have not spoken to him much,” according to the Daily Beast.
Republican lawmakers also asked if they could revise their previous statements that Rep. Jim Jordan is not batshit insane.