Although I would probably find it difficult to digest poultry seasoned with thoughts and prayers and couldn’t imagine preferring guitar solos to bass-infused musical breakdowns, I must confess that there is one part of caucasity that I found undeniably attractive:
The ability to care about white nonsense.
Their superior ability to conjure up white tears at the drop of a tattered camouflage baseball cap is the only category in which I wholeheartedly agree that blacks are inferior to people who know the words to more than one Led Zeppelin song. They can ignore racism, oppression and the value of black lives, but they can instantaneously muster indignation about inanimate objects and insignificant things including Starbucks cups, melanated Santas and the posture of NFL players during 200-year-old songs.
Well, the whites are at it again.
This time their outrage stems from the discovery that one of their most beloved cartoon characters has a few new friends, including a black girl. Although I wasn’t even aware that trains had genitalia, apparently there is an entire segment of cartoon biology that they teach in white schools.
According to the Associated Press, Mattel will introduce two new characters on the upcoming season “Thomas and Friends,” the television series starring Thomas the Tank Engine. Although I have never seen the show, I’m pretty sure it’s about a tank engine named Thomas. (And I know what you’re thinking, no, he doesn’t have any nieces or nephews, so you cannot refer to him as an “Uncle Tom.”)
In an attempt to bolster diversity and gender inclusivity, Mattel consulted with fans, parents and even the United Nations before creating the new female train engines. The first new character (and no this is not a joke), is a white female train named Rebecca. The Becky train will be joined by a Kenyan girl trained named “Nia;” which is Swahili for “purpose.”
Nia’s brightly colored design, inspired by Massai and Samburu patterns, is “really about learning about the world and bringing the world into the living room for [young viewers],” said Kate Schlomann, Mattel’s vice president of branding, according to Brand South Africa.
But the idea of a train in Kente cloth dashiki didn’t go over well with parents who pay attention to the ethnicity of their children’s toys.
But no one was more upset than Dana Loesch, the wicked witch of the far right, who serves as a host on NRA TV.
“They answer to this authoritarian maniac named Sir Toppumhat,” said Loesch on Monday’s broadcast of “School Shooting Party Hour” (I might have the name mixed up).
“One of those trains Nia will be from Kenya to add ethnic diversity to the show,” added the daughter of Satan and Cruella DeVil. “How do you bring ethnic diversity to a show that literally has no ethnicities because they’re trains! They don’t even have skin pigmentations!”
Then, as some kind of a joke, NRA TV’s “How to Sell Guns and Help Kill People” (again, that title might be wrong) producers superimposed a Ku Klux Klan hoods on the faces of the tank engines to make a point about ... well, I’m not quite sure yet. Maybe you can help figure it out:
Maybe this is NRA TV’s attempt at comedy. Maybe they are doing a sketch show called “Saturday Night Special” or “Insanely Mad TV.” And why is she screaming? Although I’ve been told that Loesch’s hobbies include stabbing kittens with flathead screwdrivers and drinking Bloody Marys (not the tomato juice and vodka drink, she likes to drink the blood of infants, but only prefers white infants named Mary), this isn’t even up to her usual standards of evil.
This is just weird.
Being mad about a train integration and prospect of interracial caboose sex (please don’t Google that, I beg of you) is almost as weird as claiming an entire channel dedicated to promoting tools made specifically for killing people is about “gun culture.”
But, I guess if murder can be a culture then I should begin searching for funding for my idea: The Stabbing Channel.
What? It’s about knife culture.
Wait until you hear what we have to say about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We only fuck with Raphael and Leonardo, though, because Michaelangelo and Donatello don’t even carry knives or swords.
...Goddamn liberal agenda!