White men are taught to believe that they can do everything, it’s just how our society is set up. But should they do everything? I’ve compiled a short list of things that, while white guys feel totally comfortable doing, maybe they should let someone else try or just stop doing altogether.
Needlessly abbreviate words.
Not too long ago, I was talking to a white colleague about referring someone for a potential job opening and my Caucasian homey said, “You should definitely consider her. She’s a total natch for the role.”
Huh? The fuck is a “natch,” bruh and should we be referring to women like that, you know, like in the workplace, like right now and shit?
Then he was like, “Noooo, noooo, man. I mean that she’s a real natural fit for the job.” Which then reminded me that white dudes always find a way to abbreviate words for no fucking reason.
“Haven’t seen you in a while man, how was the vacay?”
“We’re headed to Shake Shack to grab some burgs, dude. You wanna roll?”
“I’m having a little soiree at my apt this weekend. Feel free to come through with your LL (see: little lady).”
This shit needs to stop. I’m fluent as shit in slang, but I’m fuck-all in abbreviations.
Suggest places to purchase electronics.
Did you know that white men go to stores where they don’t know anybody that works there and pay full price for electronic items that come in sealed boxes?
Crazy, right?
I told one of my white compadres that I was looking for a new TV so he recommended a spot. When I asked him who I need to look for (because, you know, *wink wink*, gonna get that hook-up) he just stared at me. Then I remembered that white dudes make more money than everyone else and he could actually afford the shit I’m breaking my own bank to front to get. Then I called my homie and two days later I picked up my new TV in the parking lot beside a Costco.
Order shots for the table.
It always starts the same way. You’re out with your white friends having a few drinks, maybe watching the game, or doing something else alcoholically benign when the server brings over a tray of Jameson shots and then Ryan from Account Services does that dumb ass shrug while saying, “Uh oh, looks like it’s a round of Jamo for the crew!”
If you thought this was just a benevolent gesture of friendship, you thought wrong. As soon as you accept that first shot, you’re agreeing to take a trip down the road to white boy wasted that only ends with you sitting at your desk the next morning wearing Ray Bans indoors, guzzling a Pedialyte, and trying to ignore Ryan when he says, “Hey brah, I’m sorry if things got a little crazy last night. I’ll buy you a new phone.”
And all you can do is shake your head as you pick glitter out of your beard.
Carry guns.
Look, I’m not saying that white men are more prone to violence or have some natural inclination to shoot people. What I am saying is that I’m not clear on what the parameters are for getting shot by a white guy.
Hear me out. When it comes to black people shooting black people, I have a firm understanding of how, why, and when I might get that iron pulled on me:
-Selling dope in the wrong neighborhood.
-Owing the wrong muthafucka some money.
-Snitching.
-Escalated disrespect in a public setting.
All those can and will get you shot by another black person. But with white guys, they just kinda shoot everyone, sometimes en masse, and usually no one knows why. I think we need to have a moratorium of firearms sales to white men until they can draft a clear memo detailing their shooting protocol (other than the cops just shooting black folks ‘cause they can) so that people know what parts of town are clear and shit.
White people always want to ask me if my neighborhood is safe to visit at night, I feel like I’m owed the same courtesy.
Be in charge of like, everything.
It goes without saying that, after about a 600 year or so run, white guys have had a pretty good go of the whole Eurocentric patriarchic power structure thing. And while I’m sure that they’d point to history as precedent as to why white men seem to be in charge of everything, have they ever asked themselves a.) why they seem to be in charge of everything and, b.) should they reasonably be in charge of everything?
With the recent release of Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury and the unflattering portrait it paints of the Trump Administration, I’ve seen conservative (mostly white male) commentators alleging that the stories in the book must be fabrications or exaggerations. And of course, they would. In their minds, they probably see an assembly of seemingly successful white dudes in their rightful seat of power where they (by virtue of their whiteness and maleness) shouldn’t have any problems because they project success onto other white men. Ineptitude or incompetence or plain ol’ stupidity aren’t traits that they’ve been conditioned to see in themselves (those are for the women and the coloreds) so why would they see them in their peers?
This feeds the broader point. Maybe, just maybe, being a white man isn’t enough. Maybe, the Trump Administration’s flaws are indicative of a larger logical fallacy that we’ve fallen into and perhaps other dominions of white male supremacy are just as fucked up. Banks? Higher education? Corporate America? Perhaps they’re all inhabited by a bunch of mediocre white guys who keep getting the benefit of the doubt because success has been projected upon them by their peers.
Juxtapose this with Sunday night’s Golden Globes, where the spirit of unanimity and solidarity for inclusion and equality for women and minorities was on display beyond a mere act of sartorial activism. The Time’s Up movement’s presence in conjunction with Oprah Winfrey’s clarion speech extolling viewers to focus on the horizon ahead stand in stark contrast with the #MAGA crowd and their insistence on perpetuating the fantasy of the patriarchal status quo. Or, simply stated, Auntie Oprah speaks for the America that, in spite of itself, could be. Diverse in its leadership, empathetic in its promise, and equitable in the distribution of its justice. Trump and his followers speak for an America that never was and will never be. But success is not zero sum; in order for others to gain, it’s not as if white men have to lose.
As we stand at the fulcrum between Oprah’s optimism and Trump’s Trumpism, we all have to ask ourselves how long we can be denied our own equitable seats at the table for the sake of giving in to an antiquated norm. The evidence shows that, try as they might, we can’t just let the white guys do it all by themselves. Hell, perhaps they created systems of discrimination and oppression because they knew that all along and hoped we’d never find out.
Too late.