How to Talk to Women if You Believe Feminism Has Made It Really Hard to Know What Counts as ‘Harassment’

The world—already hard and damp and confusing—has gotten harder, more damp and confusing as fuck for men. Not for all men, of course. (#NotForAllMenOfCourse.)

But (some) men who happen to be romantically and sexually attracted to women are now paralyzed with confusion and doubt and anxiety and fear. Because they’re forced to work with, go to school with, ride public transportation with, stand in line at Trader Joe’s with, wait for elevators with and play in coed adult dodgeball leagues with women, and gotdamn fucking feminism has made it so that they just don’t know how to interact with them without someone blowing a harassment whistle in their tastefully bearded faces.

And now we have roaming gaggles of men neutered by social progress and emasculated by consent, who see colleagues in fitted pantsuits and with exposed wrists and get panic attacks and live terrified that merely saying “Hi” might get a call from human resources.

Fortunately, if you happen to be one of these men, you’ve come to the right place! If you are a grown-ass human male adult and you still, after decades of existing on earth—breathing oxygen and eating Fritos and shit—haven’t yet figured out how to interact with women without being a creep, and you long for the days when gotdamn fucking feminism didn’t make expressing romantic interest at happy hour or grabbing a random boob on an escalator so damn perplexing, I have great news for you. I’ve devised a simple guide to help you navigate through this unwieldy and inconvenient morass of rules and social mores and things that are actual, literal crimes—simple steps that should allow you to coexist with women in peace.

1. Go to Home Depot. If there are no Home Depots within a 20-mile radius, a Lowe’s might work. (If neither can be found, Google the nearest lumberyard and drive there.)
   
2. Find the Woodguard 2-inch-by-6-inch-by-8-foot No. 2 polymer-coated black-treated lumber. This is vital because, according to Home Depot, “Woodguard lumber is engineered to last by combining the strength of structural lumber with a low maintenance high-tech, permanent, polymer coating.” This is some awesome fucking lumber.
   
3. Buy, like, 24 planks.
   
4. Before leaving Home Depot (or Lowe’s), also buy a hammer and a shitload of nails.
   
5. Stop at Target or Walmart and stock up on your favorite snacks and juices. (Personally, I’m partial to bite-sized Snickers. Which is really the perfect Snicker size. I’d rather eat 10 bite-sized Snickers than one full-sized Snickers bar. Which is strange!)
   
6. Go home.
   
7. Take the hammers and the nails and the Woodguard 2-inch-by-6-inch-by-8-foot No. 2 polymer-coated black-treated lumber, and use them to board up your front and back doors.
   
8. Repeat the process with your windows. (This might take a while, which is why those snacks are necessary. Do not skip the snack step!)
   

1. Live the remainder of your days on earth completely barricaded inside your own home.
   
2. Die.