It’s the first day of fall, and it’s time to bring back the only seasoning acknowledged by white people: pumpkin spice.
Pumpkin spice is the official seasoning of the Caucasian, and my inner white woman, who didn’t vote for the dotard Donald Trump, celebrates when it starts to hit the shelves.
Yup, I’m a black man who’s also a card-carrying, dues-paying member of the Pumpkin Spice Coalition (we have chapter meetings once a month; there’s pie). On the outside, you may see a strapping black male individual, but on the inside resides an Upper West Side, socially conscious white woman who dabbles in yoga and crocheting in her spare time.
We all have that one thing we like that others side-eye. For Christ’s sake, some of you place your ketchup in cabinets and not fridges, like decent members of society.
My inner white woman experiences euphoric ecstasy when she’s greeted by anything with pumpkin spice in the grocery store aisles. This white woman also has an affinity for black music, so she channels her inner F-a-b-o-l-o-u-s and throws anything pumpkin-spice flavored in the bag.
It’s true what they say: Pumpkin-spice lattes bring all the white girls to the yard. And I am one of them. When she’s armed with her Uggs, yoga mat and Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, my inner Becca’s superpowers are at peak caucasity. My privilege is activated, and I’m ready to join the prestigious fold of AppleCare whites. In fact, when a store is ever out of anything pumpkin spice, that is who I channel. Theatrics are had and spectacles are made until I get my way.
Now, Becca may proudly be an AppleCare white, but she is far from being part of the 53 percent. Hell, she’d have voted for Obama a third time if she was able. My Becca enjoys the finer things in life, like properly seasoned food and personal space. In short, Becca has common sense.
I understand that my proverbial black card may come into question after reading this, but I stand firm in the belief that Rosa sat so that I could stand in line and procure an overpriced pumpkin-spice beverage from Starbucks. I’m basically my ancestors’ wildest dreams realized.