Last week, I wrote that Hennessy was overrated and that we (Black people) need to finally collectively admit to ourselves that it just doesn't taste good. Boy, was I wrong. I don't know what inspired me to write that. Because Hennessy is the greatest drink I've ever drank. I'm actually drinking Hennessy right now as I write this. And my reversal on Hennessy is in no way connected to or influenced by the Hennessy people reaching out to me this week, sending me 12 free bottles, and asking me to reconsider my position. Nope. Not at all.
Anyway, Hennessy is so great that I've started just adding it to everything. Drinks, food, lotion, gasoline, my sex life, etc. There's nothing God has invented that an addition of Hennessy wouldn't improve.
Here are the 10 best things to add Hennessy to.
1. Lactose-Free Human Breast Milk
You haven't lived until you've added a shot of Hennessy to some lactose-free human breast milk. It is delicious.
2. Cereal Made With Lactose-Free Human Breast Milk Already Mixed With Hennessy
If the Hennessy added to lactose-free human breast milk isn't enough to satisfy your taste buds, try using that lactose-free human breast milk mixed with Hennessy with some Frosted Mini-Wheats. You will never taste anything better.
3. Chicken Soup
Forget about Chicken Soup for the Soul. I want me some Chicken Soup for the Soul, but with Hennessy in the chicken soup.
4. Baptismal Pool Water
Because, as great as it is to get baptized, it's even greater to get baptized in a pool of Hennessy.
5. Your Bloodstream
There's no better pick-me-up on a bad day than inserting an IV in your veins, and having that IV pump you full of lukewarm Hennessy.
6. KY Warming Liquid
Raise your hand if you were ever having sex, and went to grab some KY, and then thought "You know what would make this night even better? If I had some cold, dry Hennessy to mix with this KY." Keep your hand up if you keep a quart of Hennessy beside your bed for this purpose.
7. Sushi Rolls
Next time you buy some sushi, do me a favor. Instead of mixing your wasabi with soy sauce, mix it with Hennessy. Actually, you won't be doing me a favor. Any time you decide to add Hennessy to anything, you're doing yourself the favor.
8. The Form 1040 EZ Income Tax Return For Single And Joint Filers With No Dependents
The next time you file an Income Tax Return for Single and Joint Filers with No Dependents, make sure to dip it in a vat of Hennessy first. You'll appreciate it, the IRS will appreciate it, and since Jesus invented Hennessy, Jesus will appreciate it too.
9. Laundry Detergent
Who needs plain 'ole Tide when you can add Hennessy to it?
10. Hennessy
Because the best way to use Hennessy is just to add more Hennessy.