Sometime in the ungodly hours after midnight—the hours when men get drunk and send “Hey Bighead, you up?” texts—one of the cinderblock pillars in the upper portion of hip-hop’s foundation released an album.
Queens, N.Y., rapper Nas released the “Make America Great Again”-hat-wearing-Kanye West-produced album Nasir, and the internet was ablaze; the Queensbridge listening party was trending on Twitter. Nas and Kanye had joined forces to form what would’ve been great if this were the early 2000s, but both men lived long enough to crush those dreams. Kanye has become a mouthpiece for alt-whites, and Kelis confirmed what Nas’ ex-girlfriend Carmen Bryan tried to tell everyone in 2006: that Nas reportedly has a problem keeping his hands to himself.
Here’s how Billboard broke down Kelis’ decision to share her side of what led to the couple’s breakup:
One recent morning, Kelis woke up and decided she’d had enough. At least that’s what the singer-turned-chef told Hollywood Unlocked in a candid interview released on April 26, in which she accused ex-husband Nas of rampant “mental and physical abuse” during the course of their five-year marriage, which officially ended in 2010. In one particularly disturbing memory, Kelis recalled seeing photos of Rihanna’s bruised face following her assault by Chris Brown in 2009, then looking down at “bruises all over” her own body. “I have edited myself for nine years,” Kelis said, “and I woke up this morning and said, ‘not today.’”
So that’s what we know. There has been little response to Kelis’ claims that Nas was an abuser, yet somehow the collective hip-hop memory has absolved both alleged deplorables because they rhyme tight.
If you are one of the people who rushed to listen to this album, here are 10 things I already know about you:
1. You continue to watch the NFL.
You have used every excuse from concession workers being laid off to “Bill Cosby was trying to buy NBC” to justify watching the abhorrently racist NFL.
2. You wear NFL jerseys.
It’s one thing to secretly watch the NFL on your phone and another to proudly sport NFL jerseys knowing that the upper management doesn’t care about the Movement for Black Lives or the death of black people. Hell, many owners didn’t just vote for Donald Trump; they contributed large money to his campaign.
3. You believe that interracial relationships produce a better grade of black hair.
I believe this mythical grade of hair is a cross between what can be found on an angel’s wing and the fine hairs of a horse’s mane. It is also commonly referred to as “good hair.”
4. You own a healthy collection of Air Force Ones and FUBU sweatsuits.
You have to own the hip-hop staples and still wear them unironically in order to look past the obsessive Trump love from “MAGA”-Ye and the alleged transgressions of Nas to support music’s overall morality.
5. You are not against beard weave.
You may not have purchased a beard weave, but you aren’t against it, which is kind of the same thing.
6. You have looked at the men’s Fashion Nova fashions.
Which is basically a starter pack for how to dress like a thot or a fuckboy.
7. You care about net neutrality.
Because you will be damned if anyone tries to make you pay for porn!
8. You pronounce the “l” in salmon and order all your meats well-done.
With your bama ass.
9. You’ve explained black terminology in mixed company.
I hate you fuckers at mixed-company parties holding court talking about, “‘Tenderheaded’ is really just as it sounds. The harder bristle brushes can be murderous on the scalp ... ” and “The ‘itis,’ while not scientifically proven, can be linked to heavy amounts of maple syrup and marshmallows atop already sweet potatoes.”
10. You don’t care about black people or domestic violence.
Let me say it so that you can understand it.
[Michael Harriot begins beatboxing.]
[Clears throat, grabs mic and, in my best rap voice, spits.] “You don’t care about black people or domestic violence!”
[Drops mic.]