Earlier this week, Slate republished a Seth Stevenson piece from 2013 extolling the virtues of the “Irish goodbye”—which is what happens when you just leave an event without saying bye to anyone. And I have never read a piece that resonated more with my soul.
If I were single, I’d slide all up into this piece’s DMs with a really innocent note about syntax appreciation. And then, after the piece responded with an “Oh wow. Thanks!” I’d say “No problem!” And then that would probably be the end of our dalliance. Because my ghosting has integrity.
Anyway, although this method is often the preferred method of bouncing for introverts, EVERYONE could use a little more ghosting in their lives, and here’s why.
(Note: Please be warned that you should NOT attempt to ghost at an event involving family. Particularly if there are aunts and uncles present you haven’t seen in a while. Then, and only then, are you required to speak to everyone when entering and when leaving. Because if you don’t, you will get roots put on that ass.)
1. No one gives a shit that you’re leaving.
Unless, of course, you’re their ride or they wished to come home with you. But that’s what Ubers are for.
2. It’s sanitary.
Just think about all the germs you’re not going to catch from giving niggas pounds and hugs if you just sprint out the door and flash a peace sign.
3. People you’re saying bye to are probably more annoyed that you’re interrupting their conversation just to tell them you’re leaving.
Stevenson touched on this in his piece. But yeah, if you don’t say bye to people, you don’t have to partake in the awkward limbo hovering where you wait for a break in conversation to speak.
4. It cuts unnecessary fat off of your club- or event-attending process.
Just think about how many times you planned to leave an event at 7:30 p.m., closed out your tab and started walking toward the door at 7:26 but got caught in a gauntlet of goodbyes that didn’t allow you to actually walk through the door until 11:17.
5. Other people will follow suit.
If enough people ghost at an event, it becomes contagious. Because you don’t want to be the only lame clutching a cocktail napkin while wondering why the crowd is thinning but no one has personally said goodbye to you.
6. It decreases the likelihood of bad decisions.
Somewhere between 52 and 64 percent of the terrible decisions people make at events are made in that space of time between deciding to leave and actually leaving. This is when people convince you to do shit you really had no interest in doing, like hanging out for another hour or carpooling to a shitty taco truck or investing in cryptocurrencies.
7. It provides you an alibi for skipping out on shit you had no interest in staying around for.
If you are a person who is known for entering and leaving events without alerting people to your presence, no one will ever quite know exactly when you’ve arrived and when you left. Which means that if someone were to ask, “Hey, did you stay around for my speech?” and you didn’t stay around for that speech, you can say, “Oh yeah. I was totally there. Great job!”
8. You don’t have to make promises you’ll never, ever, ever, ever keep.
“Aight man. I’m out. It was good seeing you.”
“Word. We should grab a coffee or something sometime.”
“Bet. I’ll hit you up sometime next week.”
“Word!”
Just imagine how much better your life would be if you never had to have that conversation again. And how much closer your relationship with God will be if you never have to tell that lie again.
9. It makes you much more mysterious, which is good.
If you make a habit of leaving when no one knows if you’ve left, no one can ever be certain of where you are at any given moment. This gives you intrigue. And you want to be a nigga with intrigue (in fact, I might even start a Facebook group this week called “Niggas With Intrigue”).
10. No one gives a shit that you’re leaving.
Wait—I already said that, huh?