Donald Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
No, seriously. Eighteen Republican lawmakers have nominated Sir Lies-a-Lot for a Nobel motherfucking Peace Prize because he threatened to jump-start a pre-emptive nuclear holocaust so many times that two hated rivals (North Korea and South Korea) decided they probably needed to get together before this idiot decimated the entire Korean peninsula.
Awarding Trump the highest humanitarian award in the world for essentially bullying two countries into peace talks would be like honoring a plantation owner for workplace diversity. But in the spirit of “free thought,” I think we should take a look at some other people who deserve to be lauded for similar contributions to society.
10. Bill Cosby: If Trump helped world peace by threatening nuclear annihilation, then Cosby is due for a Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Association of Bartenders. Think about it: Who has brought more attention to people who make drinks than America’s dad?
9. Umar Johnson: For his groundbreaking achievements in the world of stealth technology, Johnson should receive a Nobel Prize for physics. No one has ever raised more than a half-million dollars to build an invisible school based on a business plan that no one has ever seen, housed in a building that doesn’t exist, on land that is hidden under a Wakanda-like camouflage dome.
On top of all that, he made all the money disappear!
8. Kanye West: Say what you will about Kanye, but I am willing to bet that when he said “Slavery was a choice,” he became the Dance Foundation for America’s front-runner in the field of shucking.
Diamond and Silk have already wrapped up the jiving award, although the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers tells me that Ray Lewis and Omarosa Manigault Newman gave them a run for their money.
7. Rachel Dolezal: I have a theory that Rachel Dolezal was simply working undercover to experience what it’s like to live in America as a black woman. She was going to take the information she was gathering back to the whites and tell them that, contrary to their belief, racism is real.
But y’all blew her cover.
Even though her experiment failed, I still believe that she deserves to be commended for her steadfastness. If we’re giving something to Umar “Trust Me, There’s Going to Be a School” Johnson and Donald “No Collusion” Trump, then we have to honor Nkechi Amare Motombu Shabazz Tupac Amaru Shakur Lakeisha Diallo Dolezal for sticking to her story.
Let’s be fair.
6. Killer Mike: You can be sure his plaque for the National Rifle Association’s Man of the Year is being etched as you read this. Don’t laugh; Killer Mike had to beat out a lot of mass shooters to win this great achievement.
5. Tomi Lahren: You mean to tell me there’s not an Emmy Award for people whose mouths should be rinsed out with a mixture of gas station toilet water and La Croix?
I don’t think that’s right. I’m sure Kellyanne Conway won last year.
4. Taylor Swift: If Taylor Swift doesn’t receive an NAACP Image Award for her rendition of Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September,” then something’s wrong. Anyone who heard her version was forced to immediately listen to the original just to wash the banjo-flavored shit out of their ears.
3. R. Kelly: A lot of women are safer today because R. Kelly reminded us to keep a closer watch on our daughters. Maybe he could share the award for Assaulter of the Year with Roy Moore. And Russell Simmons. And Harvey Weinstein. And ... you know what? They should probably make this a group award.
2. Michael Rapaport: I know you probably think I’m going to make a joke about how this cauliflower-faced demon promotes a fetishized version of blackness with his Negrospeak blaccent. I would never do that. I don’t even have an idea of what kind of award he should win because the only role I’ve only ever seen Michael Rapaport play was a slightly less shitty version of Michael Rapaport.
But if we don’t give him an award, who will?
1. White women: If Donald Trump wins the Nobel Peace Prize, he probably won’t be available to receive it because he’ll either be locked up for colluding with the Russians, obstructing justice or first-degree pussy grabbing. In any case, it would be a nice gesture to honor the people most responsible for Trump’s presidency.
Plus, after co-opting the #MeToo movement; benefiting the most from affirmative action; skipping Black Lives Matter protests but expecting us to show up for the Women’s March; escaping historical ridicule for telling the lies that got black people lynched; and sitting on the porch sipping mint juleps as slaves fanned them ...
Isn’t it about time white women got some respect?