I think we need to just prepare ourselves for the fact that Rachel Dolezal is really about to be out here as the gift that keeps on giving.
We questioned her quest for blackness. What did she do? She doubled and tripled down on it. She went so far as to change her name to Nkechi Diallo, while some of you are running around with names like Ashley and Donald. I ... I don’t even know what else to say. Except for never go Eric Benét. You see what I did there? Probably not. Let’s move on.
I don’t know if Rachel—her mama named her Rachel, I’m gon’ call her Rachel—is broke, practicing for the Trollympics or just plain ol’ bored and bought a nice new starter DSLR camera and a quote book, but she has decided to offer herself up as tribute to the comedy gods by putting together and dropping a calendar for 2018 featuring provocative (and slightly awkward) photos of herself and quotes like “Stay woke & change the world. You never know when an important opportunity will arise.” I can see you all rushing to RachelDolezal.com right now to buy your own copy. Kidding! Why so serious?!
(Also, the “Shop” on her website includes items for sale that you’d find at that local store in your mall that also sells black-Greek-letter-organization paraphernalia and those bad black paintings that everybody’s grandma has a few prints of; it includes “Gimme Some Sugar Lollipops,” “Melanin Spectrum Dolls” and “Shine On Soy Candles.”)
Now, my first instinct is to point and laugh with pure amusement at the traveshamockery that is this woman’s bag since we all came to know of her existence a few years ago. Who in their right mind would make such a purchase, and for why? Does she have actual fans? Is anybody jackin’ their jollies to Rachel Dolezal and just needed 12 months of pictures to do so? Like, what’s a good reason for any single soul to make this $18.99 purchase?
Turns out, I can think of 10 reasons to buy this calendar as part of your Chrimmuh shopping.
1. It’s an amazing conversation starter.
Imagine having this calendar hanging up in your home, office or brothel. Who isn’t going to say something about it? Either folks know who she is and will wonder why you have it, or not know who she is and wonder why you have this mediocre white woman with locs performing bad implied lust with nonsensical quotes attached.
The calendar, or at least the samples she made available, is reminiscent of people I hate most on Instagram who take thirst-trap pictures of themselves in thongs and pasties, then attach some fake-deep inspirational caption telling you to be your best self and love Jesus.
2. It could be a conversation starter ... that’s also a doorstop.
Hear me out. On Amazon.com, doorstops range from $3.95 to $24.95, but I mean, those are the ones you expect to see. What if you put this under a door and somebody comes in and sees it? Of course, they’re going to look down and say, “Bruh, is that motherfucking Rachel Dolezal on your floor keeping the door open?” Just saying. Think about it. It’s probably meta or something.
3. If you’ve got a thing for white women, this kills two birds with one stone.
Hey, black man, you get to buy a calendar of a white woman, but she has locs and swears that she’s a black woman on the inside. And again, her name is Nkechi now, legally. Sure, you love you some white women, but you get to act like you managed to find the blackest one out there. She’s even a playable card in the race-centric game Trading Races, where the goal is to debate the blackest person in the deck. That’s a win-win.
4. It’s a great gag gift.
Who wouldn’t laugh and grant the room an elongated “Niggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” upon receiving this gift?
5. At $18.99 it might make the best Secret Santa or White Elephant gift of all time ... as long as nobody has to divulge what came from whom.
How annoyed would you be if you pulled this gift? On the flip side, if you work in a white office, it might be hilarious and telling to see how folks respond to this calendar.
6. It’s also a perfect petty gift. I believe in petty.
Your sister has been acting better than other people? Cool. Catch this December Dolezal, b. Your cousin claims nobody ever gets him anything even though he’s been getting everything he ever wanted from Grandma since he was born? Cool. Catch this January Dolezal, LeDerrick-Joseph.
7. If you want to support the self-identity-over-everything movement, here’s your chance.
Buying this calendar can prove just how committed you are to living your truest self and not letting society or anybody else tell you who you are, Moana. No one goes beyond the reef? Rachel Dolezal goes beyond the reef.
8. Because maybe you don’t actually find her that problematic.
There are some folks who actually don’t have a problem with her or her antics. They don’t view them as antics at all, in fact, but as a woman living her truth. Well, this is how you can show your real support for her. Nothing says “I support this motherfucker” like paying for a whole-ass calendar of that person.
9. The calendar is filled with birthdays and black-history facts.
If nothing else, you have to appreciate her dedication to this plight and life of hers. This calendar adds to that, since I doubt there are any white-history alternative facts in it. If you’re one of those people who are like, “I have to respect her dedication,” then here’s a perfect item for you!
10. It can be turned into a family bonding experience.
You, as a family, can split the $18.99 (plus HOLY SHIT, SHIPPING IS $10) and pass the Dolezal calendar around the family as a running gag for the whole year. I don’t know how much bonding it creates, but at the very least, the jokes will fly on the first of each month, and what’s better than one billionaire? Two. Especially if they come from the same hue as you. Sorry, I didn’t think anybody was still reading this far.
Donotbuythisthingwhat’swrongwithyou.