1. The Hotep
Requirements: A “full beard with no mustache” mask. Patchouli-marinated dashiki over some joggers and Polo boots. A white blow-up doll (your date). Absolutely, positively, no lotion.
2. The Black Trump Voter
Requirements: Chinos and Sperry docksiders (if male) or whatever the fuck is in Stacey Dash’s closet (if female). Shirts, slacks and dresses limited to four colors: red, white, blue and khaki. An ear-to-ear grin whenever a white person is within a 25-block radius. A lobotomy.
3. The Token Black Person in a Horror Movie
Requirements: At least seven horny white friends too busy fucking each other to notice when you’re getting the shit murdered out of you. An ax sticking out of your head. Really, really, really, really big eyes.
4. The Nigga You Just Can’t Trust
Requirements: No facial hair (if male) and just a really awkward hairdo (if female). A Pre-Paid Legal Services pamphlet. A to-go plate already made and wrapped in foil before the food has even been served.
5. The Black Friend
Requirements: Nothing, really. Just hang out with a white person all night, and have him or her refer to and possibly even point to you when reminding everyone that he or she’s not racist.
6. The Top Gang Thug From Chicago
Requirements: A do-rag, plaits or a Jheri curl underneath the do-rag, a long-sleeved flannel shirt with only the top button buttoned, a pair of Dickies, some Locs sunglasses indoors and whatever else Ice Cube would have rocked in 1992.
7. The Person Who Just Found Out That the KFC Drive-Thru Ran Out of Chicken Even Though It’s 8:17 and It Doesn’t Close Until 10:30
Requirements: A single tear, like Denzel in Glory. A ninja star made out of the weak-ass extra potato wedges they tried to give you instead of chicken. A shank made out of the weak-ass extra green beans they tried to give you instead of chicken.
8. The Nigga at the Park Who Says “Kobe!” After Every Jump Shot
Requirements: A Kobe jersey. An attaché case full of bricks. A “Ball Is Life” tattoo on your right eyelid. No friends.
9. The Kappa
Requirements: Every sweater-vest ever made, all piled on top of your chest, like a sweater-vest turducken. Sweater-vest bukkake. Generous Bigen.
10. Rachel Dolezal
Requirements: Just wear a mask of the whitest white woman possible. Like, find a Gwyneth Paltrow mask and wear that. Then wear a name tag with the blackest name possible. Like, you got your name from a “Blackest Name Possible” generator (e.g., Mutombo Swahili Achebe Kwanzaa Jenkins-Jackson). A book deal.