If you’re anything like me, when Donald Trump addresses a joint session of Congress tonight, it will be very difficult to watch (especially if, like me, you initially thought “joint session of Congress” referred to a little-known constitutional amendment that required representatives to pass a blunt around the House chamber).
Luckily for you, we here at The Root have devised a way to keep everyone interested in tonight’s presidential address. We studied every single one of Trump’s political speeches, looked at his tendencies and came up with a drinking game that requires paying close attention to his every word. There are only 10 simple rules. If any of them happens, you must take the assigned number of shots. The beauty of the game is, all you need is a bottle of your favorite alcohol and a Trump speech. The only con is, you have to actually listen to a Trump speech.
Here are the rules:
1. He gives a shoutout to Russia: Take one shot.
He probably won’t say, “Shoutout to my homies in Moscow” or spout the black church greeting, “Giving honor to God, the members of Congress and Vladimir, who is the head of my life,” but he will definitely acknowledge Russia at least once, according to the terms of the urine-stained blackmail agreement he signed a few years ago.
2. He goes off-script: Take one shot.
Because our melon-headed head of state has the attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy, it is very difficult for him to stay on-script for more than two minutes. I know you are asking, “How do we know if he is ranting or actually reading a teleprompter?”
Because our president reads at a third-grade level, it is easy to tell. When he stops mouthing out the words as if he’s dragging his fingers across the page and starts ending his sentences with the interrogative “OK?” then he is off-script.
It’s not hard, OK?
3. There’s an “alt-right” dog whistle: Take two shots.
This one is hard, because you must be well-versed in the lingo of white nationalism. But any time he talks about “America first,” law and order, “our country” or globalism, he’s talking to his white supremacist base.
Of course—because he’s Trump—he just might inadvertently drop the n-word. If that happens, that’s technically not a dog whistle. It only counts as going off-script, so take one shot.
4. He states an alternative fact: Take one shot.
Trust me, you don’t have to take license with this one. Drink every time he says something you don’t believe, like, “I want unity” or “I’m a very smart man.” Just down a shot every time he utters anything that is verifiably false, like ...
Wait. Do I even need to give examples of Trump’s lies? I don’t think we have enough bandwidth.
5. He gives specific policy details: Take five shots.
Don’t worry, this won’t happen. Whether it’s repealing and replacing Obamacare, providing jobs or reducing the deficit, Republicans always make big promises but never provide the specific details of how they’ll do it. The great thing about this rule is, if he actually gives specific, attainable details on how he will give more Americans health insurance, increase employment opportunities or reduce the debt, we all win!
Plus, you’ll be drunk!
6. There’s a Melania hostage shot: Take one shot.
Every time the camera cuts to Melania Trump and she looks like someone is sitting behind her with a gun pressed against the small of her back, drink. In every psychological thriller, there is always a scene where the protagonist is kidnapped and manages to alert the police. When the cops come, the kidnapper stands behind the door and makes the victim smile nervously and tell the cops that everything is fine.
That’s how Melania looks all the time. Take a shot for her.
(Melania, if you’re reading this, just blink once.)
7. He mentions ISIS: Take one shot.
Remember Trump’s supersecret magical plan to destroy ISIS in the first 30 days of his presidency? How come he doesn’t talk about that anymore? During the campaign, he said that he wouldn’t reveal how he’d do it because that would have tipped off the enemy. But since he’s been in office for 37 days, I’m sure that in tonight’s speech he’ll announce that ISIS has been eliminated, right?
Right?
8. He disparages a nationality, religion or ethnic group: Take one shot.
If he calls Mexicans “bad hombres” or refers to the “radical Islamic” terrorist threat but leaves out the “radical Christian” one, start drinking. If he talks about immigration as a whole and how he wants to close the borders and round up “illegals,” you must remember that is part of the worldwide white nationalist movement that prompted the United Kingdom’s Brexit and led to two Nazi-like candidates controlling France’s conservative movement. That makes all immigration talk an example of rule No. 3 (an “alt-right” dog whistle), which requires two shots.
9. He mentions Chicago: Take three shots.
One because he will use Chicago as an example of what ails the entirety of black America (rule No. 8), and two because Chicago represents the “law and order” that he will use to justify his white nationalist ethnic cleansing goals (rule No. 3).
10. You miss Obama: Take one shot.
Take a shot whenever you think about how our last president talked in complete sentences. Take a shot when you wistfully recall how Barack Obama spoke with charisma, veracity and statesmanlike eloquence. Take a shot every time you feel embarrassed knowing that people in other countries are watching this and placing you in the group that voted for this dunderheaded dope.
Dry your eyes. Take one more shot for when we had a president who tried to embrace the other side of the aisle. Stop crying. Take one more for when America was great—last month.
Now you’re openly weeping, with a case of the bubble guts. Drink one more for the health care you’ll soon lose. One more for the refugees fleeing American-made bombs but who won’t be allowed into America because presidential xenophobia. One more for the Russians who subverted our democracy. One more for the families ripped apart by deportation forces. One for the land of the free. One for the home of the brave.
Wasn’t that fun?