Like Maxine Waters and every Negro who does not fool with those who do not fool with us, I will not be watching Sweet Potato Saddam’s inauguration. I would rather be alive during my own cremation than watch a racist whose hobbies include becoming a puppet of the Russian government and grabbing random pussies without consent be sworn into office. You can know the meteor is coming, but that doesn’t mean you have to pull out a lawn chair and sit outside as you wait to be blown to smithereens.
I imagine that a lot of you reading this are debating whether or not to partake in the formal farewell to President Barack Obama, first lady Michelle Obama and their gorgeous daughters. Yeah, you can find that clip on Twitter, Facebook or somebody’s Instagram feed seconds after the fact. If you need assistance on what you can do in the meantime, I have some suggestions:
- Find a Chrisette Michele album.
- After finding the Chrisette Michele album, step on it.
- Be more Zen and join Rep. Tony Cárdenas in his one hour of meditation during the swearing-in.
- Go see Hidden Figures for matinee prices. You’ll need to save your money under this conman’s rule.
- Finally read all of those articles you put in your Pocket app that you have let sit there for months.
- Go to YouTube and watch clips of Maxine Waters dragging the incoming new president over recent months. Here’s one to get you started.
- Start learning Russian, since we’re likely going to be forced to anyway by 2020.
- Conduct a séance in which you call on Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King to haunt the kin they left behind—starting with Althea King, who voted for the tyrant in training.
- Watch Law & Order: SVU on television because it’s always airing on some network at any given point of the day.
- Watch the original Law & Order on television because it’s always airing on some network at any given point of the day.
- Watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent because it’s presumably airing on WE tv during the day.
- Finish making your hate list of black people who lent their support to Sweet Potato Saddam.
- Catch up on episodes of Desus & Mero.
- Cry out to God, asking why that orange buffoon has been elected president.
- Turn on Sade and sob at your desk about Sweet Potato Saddam becoming president.
- Turn on old Mary J. Blige and bawl like hell in bed about Sweet Potato Saddam becoming president.
- Research expatriation.
- Revisit Ashanti’s performance of “I Got It” on The Queen Latifah Show and laugh at her scooting across the stage on her ass cheeks. Let the chuckles help subdue the pain.
- Go to Popeyes and eat your feelings.
- Turn on Solange’s A Seat at the Table and understandably get mad at white people.
- Go through your Instagram and scale back on your thirst follows. It will help lessen the electroshocks President Pence will presumably place you on after he slides into top billing.
- Open up your copy of Barack Obama’s Dreams of My Father.
- Look at your favorite looks from Michelle Obama over eight years and then randomly shout out, “Melania could NEVER!”
- Get lost in Beyoncé performances on YouTube.
- Block everyone on Facebook you’ve known to post fake news articles.
- Prepare snacks for the Women’s March on Washington, happening the day after the inauguration.
- Email Netflix and Hulu about getting Out All Night put on their listings.
- Take a nap. It will probably be the last time you sleep soundly for a good while.
- Write your local representatives, telling them that if they work with that orange bigot, they deserve electoral damnation.
- Dance for an hour to Jasmine Guy’s “Try Me” on loop.
- Follow that by dancing for another hour to Tisha Campbell’s “Push” on loop.
- Turn on Rihanna’s Anti.
- Burn or pour bleach over your Kanye West merchandise.
- Write awful things about the new president on social media with the hashtag #MAGA and block everyone offended.
- Form a prayer circle and pray that Zoe Saldana and other like-minded delusional minorities find a clue.
- Wash your hair.
- Get a haircut.
- Buy some hair.
- Get a pedicure and a manicure.
- Netflix and avoid reality for as long as you can.
- Find the religion you’ll need to help you get through this administration.
- Find a vice—brown- and/or green-colored—that can help you get through the pain that lies ahead. Not too much, though. Obviously.
- Prepare your “I told you so” remarks for when that buffoon brings this country to its knees.
- Google “How to survive life under an authoritarian ruler.”
- Find Barack and Michelle Obama and ask them to take us wherever they go.